One of the men went below. Two others stand above the bowsprit, chatting with each other.
Dimella catches sight of them, too, and we both take their measure.
“What are we starin’ at?” Enwen joins us up top, placing himself between Dimella and the helm, where Kearan is stationed.
“The men,” Dimella answers for me, nodding at the fore. “They’re rather big.”
“Lerick and Rorun?” Enwen squints in their direction. “They’re not as big as Kearan, I suppose, but I’ve never really thought about it before.”
“That’s because you’re a man,” Dimella says. “You don’t have to worry about who’s bigger than you.”
“I don’t follow.”
“She means,” I say, “that you don’t have to think about the fact that half the population is capable of overpowering you. We women are always wary of big men.”
Kearan shifts slightly.
“Truly, Captain?” Enwen asks. “I didn’t know women worried about such things.”
“Because you are not in as much danger of certain violences as we are,” Dimella says.
Enwen swallows, takes a look between Dimella and the two men at the bow, then steps between her and them.
Dimella rolls her eyes. “Unnecessary, Enwen. I carry around pointy objects for just such reasons.”
“Sorry, Miss Dimella, you’re just so small, and if there’s anything I can—”
“Don’t call me small!” Dimella snaps. “I’m merely in a better position to stab a man where it’ll do the most damage.”
Enwen crosses his legs almost involuntarily.
“Best stop talking, Enwen,” Kearan puts in. “You’ll only make it worse.”
“Sorry, Miss Dimella,” Enwen says before slamming his lips closed.
My first mate rolls her eyes before turning to me. “I’m going below unless you have need of me, Captain?”
My skin crawls. I am not used to ordering people about. It feels so terribly wrong. Alosa should be here to do this. Not me. But she has entrusted this to me. Better get used to it now. These decisions are trifling. The harder ones will come in time, I’m sure.
“Take a well-earned rest,” I say. “There’ll be plenty to do later.”
“Aye-aye.”
When she leaves, the other two men fall silent for once. I stay where I am, only because it is a good place for the crew to spot me right now, overseeing our heading, and it gives me a good vantage from which to start memorizing new faces, though I have to repress cringes when eyes meet mine. Normally, people don’t know it when I’m observing.
I tug at the sleeve of my new coat, pulling it past my wrist, even though it hardly needs adjusting.
Kearan speaks up. “They seem like nice lads.”
At first, I assume he’s talking to Enwen, but then his eyes settle on me.
“Lerick and Rorun,” he explains. “I’ve had occasion to speak with them at the keep. They seem polite. Don’t speak ill of any of the women around them.”
“Do you think Alosa would permit them to sail with us if they did?”
“Some men behave one way when they’re around other men. Then pretend to be decent sorts when around women. They’re not that kind. They’re the same no matter whose company they’re in.”
“I don’t care. I’m always going to be wary of men and keep my guard up around them. Especially the large ones.”
His eyes narrow at me, and I narrow mine right back.
Before Kearan can respond, Enwen puts in, “Are you making new friends?”
“What?”
“Are you trying to replace me?” Enwen’s voice rises in pitch.
“What are you on about?”
“Let’s get something straight, Kearan Erroth. I’m your best friend. You can’t replace me with someone else. I will not allow it.”
Kearan takes one hand off the helm to point at the other pirate. “How many times do I have to tell you? We are not friends.”
“Yes. We. Are.”
“Just because someone is nice to you doesn’t make them your friend.”
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of our strong friendship.”
Kearan closes his eyes. “What the hell does that even mean?”
“I’ll see you below for that game of cards later.” Enwen makes his retreat.
“What game? I haven’t agreed to any game.”
Enwen disappears without answering, and all returns to blessed silence.
For about two seconds.
“What?” Kearan asks.
Since there’s no one else around, I have to assume he’s talking to me.
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to. I can hear your thoughts from here.”
I say nothing to his stupid words.
“You’re thinking about how weird Enwen is, right? He’s mad. I can’t believe Alosa—”
“I was thinking,” I say, if only to shut him up, “that you treat your friends poorly.”
“How many times do I have to point out that Enwen is not my friend?”
I don’t know why I’m still talking to him. I hardly care what Kearan does with himself or who he interacts with. Maybe I’ll blame every uncharacteristic thing I do during this voyage on Alosa. She’s the one who told me to speak up. Put the crew at ease. Except what I’m about to say should unsettle Kearan, something that seems to bring me a small measure of joy.
“You forget,” I say, “I was ordered to supervise you aboard the Ava-lee. Enwen was the only person who cared about you when you were too slobbering drunk to be aware of anything. He was the only one who saw your potential. Even Alosa only took you on because her navigator died, and she didn’t have time to replace her with someone adept when we were fleeing from the pirate king.”
“Was the only person who cared about me?” Kearan asks. “And now? Who else cares about me now?”
“Only Alosa.”
Kearan looks disappointed, as though he hoped I’d say someone else. He recovers quickly, though. “She tried to kill me once.”
“You manhandled her.”
“Under Draxen’s orders.”
“She’s killed men for far less.”
“Or sent you to do it for her.”
I say nothing. We both know it’s true.
“You be nice to Enwen,” I threaten, because this is the kind of language I understand best.
“You like him?” Kearan asks carefully.
“He is part of my crew, which means he has my protection.”
“Do I have your protection?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Can you protect me from Enwen’s prattling?”
Our eyes catch, Kearan looking as though he’s fighting a smile. Meanwhile, I’m fighting the urge to dismember him.
“Let’s get something straight. If you make one wrong move on this ship, I will kill you.”
He lets the smile show in full force. “I’d really like to see you try.”
“You won’t see me coming,” I assure him.
My appearance on the deck has lasted long enough. I disappear back into my quarters, toss the stupid tricorne on the other side of the room, slide out of the coat, and breathe.