“What’s up, girly?” I pick her up, slinging her on my hip.
“Where Stevie?”
My heart breaks a little more. Ella has asked me this almost every time I’ve seen her over the last couple of weeks, but this time hurts the most. Having my closest people here to celebrate, but Stevie not being present, seems so final and definitive.
I was far too hopeful that she would forgive me or see the progress I’ve made and maybe give me another chance, but more than that, I needed her to know I love her. Stevie going through life, thinking I don’t, is the most unsettling part of all.
“She’s not here, EJ.”
“She coming?” Her emerald eyes are pleading for me to say yes.
I offer my niece an apologetic smile. “I don’t think so.”
Ella’s sweet smile drops before she leans her head on my shoulder. “I miss her.”
Fuck, that one hurt.
“Me too.”
I swallow down the emptiness and regret as we pull out from the United Center and lead the parade through downtown Chicago.
The streets are packed with fans overtaking the sidewalks, all wearing the team’s gear. The cheering is nonstop, the music is bumping, and the fans are on another level with their signs and foghorns.
Last night’s win wasn’t just for the team or me. It was for the city I’ve loved over the previous seven seasons. Even if the fans can’t love me for who I am, I thoroughly enjoyed putting on a show for them throughout my career. This city has become my home, and I’m going to miss the hell out of it.
Ella climbs onto her dad’s back to wave to the crowd below. Lindsey snaps pictures of the whole thing, documenting it for us, and I pick up Rosie’s sixty-five-pound Doberman body to show my girl off to the fans.
My dad joins in, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, but he doesn’t look down at the fans below us. Out of my peripheral, I can see his stare focused on me, pride evident in his gray eyes. I can’t imagine him missing this. I just wish I wasn’t so blind and stubborn the last twelve years that we had to miss out on too much time together.
I’d like to think I don’t live with regrets because everything happens for a reason. Twelve years of a strained relationship with my dad makes me appreciate his love and support far more than I ever could’ve realized. Letting my mom control my panic and anger made the freedom from her all the more liberating. The confinement I felt with Rich as my agent made firing him all the more vindicated.
But I regret breaking up with Stevie. Sure, I probably wouldn’t have faced my mom, fired Rich, or reconciled with my dad if I hadn’t, but pushing away the first person to ever really love me has been the biggest mistake of my life.
I continue to wave, plastering on my biggest celebrity smile, as I try to focus and live in the moment, but as soon as the bus turns the corner onto the next street over, Rosie begins pawing at my leg, wanting my attention.
The parade is only moving a couple of miles an hour, but I hadn’t realized where we were. The endless sea of fans wearing black and red distracted me from our location. We’re close to my apartment, but more importantly, we’re a few buildings over from SDOC.
“Stop.”
All eyes turn to me, utterly confused.
“Stop. Stop driving!”
“Zee, you good?” Maddison asks with confusion, but I blow past him to the front of the bus.
I need to see her.
“Stop the bus!” I yell down to the driver, frantic and urgent, but he can’t hear me.
The excited crowd drowns out my plea, but Logan notices and races down the internal stairwell causing the bus to halt quickly.
Rosie charges full speed down those same steps, and I follow behind. There’s an endless squeal of bus brakes behind me, the parade coming to a complete stop, but I don’t care. Everyone else can wait.
Logan stands at the base, wearing an understanding and proud smile on her face. “Go get her,” she encourages with a squeeze to my shoulder.
The crowd stirs with excitement, noticing me off the bus, but I frantically weave through the mob of fans as I head straight for the little run-down building behind them.
They try to stop me, wanting pictures or autographs, but I keep moving.
I need to see her.
She may not have come to my game, and she may have given up on us, but she needs to know how much I love her. Even if she doesn’t feel the same anymore, she deserves to know.
Multiple camerapeople follow me, and I’m glad they do. After everything I’ve put Stevie through, the least I can do is make sure the whole world knows how much I love that girl.