We dated most of college, but there were multiple periods of time when he would end things with me because he had other options. Then, he’d come crawling back when he was bored, only to keep me on an endless roller coaster of trying to be good enough to keep his attention.
And I was the idiot who took him back. Every. Single. Time. He was my weakness. I loved him, and all I wanted was for him to want me back, but he didn’t. Not really.
I was there to fill to void. To be a warm body in his bed while he continued to look for better options. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my confidence in myself took a huge plummet from constantly feeling like I wasn’t enough for him, and of course, it was the same time my mother started to make comments about the way I looked.
Then, in our senior year, when Brett found out he was offered a spot at training camp with a pro basketball team, he dropped me quicker than you can say, “I’ve been using you for three years,” which is essentially what he said without saying those exact words.
I remember it all, clear as day. I was waiting for Ryan outside of his locker room at UNC, but little did I know my brother was in the middle of an interview out on the court while the rest of his teammates were shooting the shit behind a thin door that was anything but soundproof.
“What about Stevie?” one of the boys had asked when they learned about my boyfriend’s new opportunity.
Brett’s response? “What about Stevie? She was there because I was bored, but I’m going pro. Do you know the quality of women that are about to throw themselves at me? You think I’m going to stay with Shay’s sister when I have better options?”
And that was that. That was the final straw on my end. He’s reached out a couple of times over the years, especially after he got dropped during training camp of his rookie season, never once making it onto a professional NBA team. But that day outside of the locker room was the day it clicked. I was never anything to him, and I’ve been carrying that weight of knowing I wasn’t good enough ever since.
Ryan has no idea how bad it was. Brett is his college teammate and was once one of his closest friends. Though, the heartbreak my brother saw me endure had him keeping his distance from his old friend without even knowing the full details.
Not to be dramatic, but he fucked me up.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I will never date an athlete again. They’re shallow, only caring about the trophy on their arm. And I am no one’s trophy.
“I told him it wasn’t a good idea,” Ryan adds, pulling me out of the past and back to the present. “But I feel like maybe I should help him out? Get him in contact with some media networks? I don’t know. I feel bad for the guy.”
Ryan wouldn’t feel bad if he had any idea what his old teammate said about me. In fact, he’d probably kick his ass.
“I’ll tell him not to come.”
“No.” I shake my head. “He’s your college teammate, Ry. It’s cool. But could you find him somewhere else to stay?”
He shoots me a thankful and understanding smile. “You going to ever tell me what happened between you guys?”
“We broke up. Simple as that.”
“I would like for you to tell me one day.” He walks behind the couch, shaking my curls before taking off to his room to get ready. “Love you, Vee.”
The distaste for Ryan’s college teammate lingers in my mouth as I finish the rest of my hot dog before falling back on the couch and hiding under my giant weighted blanket for the night.
I spend my evening in my coziest sweats. Albeit they’re also my rattiest, but who am I trying to impress? I’m alone in this giant apartment, in the heart of a city where I still don’t know too many people yet. I consider texting Indy to see what she’s up to, thinking maybe it would be a good chance to get to know her better, seeing as we are about to spend the majority of the next six to eight months on the road together. But the weight of this blanket and the fact that I really don’t want to get off this couch keeps me from doing so.
Thankfully, the rain has stopped, so when I get the mental strength to pull myself off this sofa, I’ll head out and spend the rest of my night loving on my favorite guys. And gals.
Of course, I’m talking about the dogs at SDOC—Senior Dogs of Chicago.
It’s a rescue a short walk from here, where older dogs wait to get adopted to a loving home where they can live out the rest of their days. I started volunteering there the day after I moved to Chicago. I did something similar back in North Carolina when I was in college, and it’s become sort of a passion project of mine.