20
ZANDERS
“You boys are looking good this season.”
Leaning back on the brown leather couch, I lace my hands behind my head. “It feels like we finally have all the right pieces in place to make a real run at it.”
“Eli’s game-winning goal last night,” Eddie, our mutual therapist, begins. “Boy, that was pretty.”
“Yeah, he made sure to show me the replay more than a few times over drinks last night.”
Maddison always plays better at home than on the road, so it’s no surprise he’s leading the league in points after our two-week home stand. But Eddie knows Maddison as well as I know my best friend, so there’s no need to spell it out. He’s always on top of his game when his family is in the arena.
I, on the other hand, thrive on the hate from visiting stadiums. I’ve become accustomed to being my own support system in every aspect of my life, hockey included.
“How are you feeling about Christmas?”
That question causes me to pause. I’ve tried to avoid thinking about the dreaded family holiday, but of course, Eddie was going to ask. He’s been my therapist for almost a decade now. Our weekly sessions are typically just a conversation between two friends, but Eddie being Eddie, always knows when to find the root of something deeper going on. And him knowing every single sordid detail of my family history, it’s no surprise he brought this up with Christmas around the corner.
But I made a promise to him and myself eight years ago that I would be nothing but honest in our sessions. Brutal honesty has translated into every aspect of my life, and I’ve got to say, it’s incredibly freeing. It’s what’s helped me to overcome a lot of the inner demons I was battling when I was younger.
“I’m dreading it. I don’t even know what we’ll talk about. Lindsey won’t be there to act as a buffer, and I wish I would’ve bailed and made up some excuse instead.”
“This could be a good chance for you and your dad to talk, Zee. He’s clearly making an effort by visiting you.”
“That’s what Logan said.”
“Yeah, well,” Eddie laughs. “Logan should probably rethink her career and join my field.”
Since we were in college, Maddison and I have shared the same therapist, and Eddie has jokingly offered to pay half his salary to Logan for keeping our heads on straight when we aren’t in his office.
“What’s holding you back from having an honest conversation with your dad? You do a great job at it with everyone else in your life.”
“I’m not angry at everyone else in my life.”
“Why are you angry with your dad?”
“Eddie, you know why.”
“Remind me.” His favorite tactic. He knows exactly why and doesn’t need recapping. He just wants to see if I remember why.
“Because he abandoned me the same way my mother did. At the same fucking time. He buried himself in work, and I was left alone with no one.”
“Have you ever asked him why he did that?”
“I don’t need to ask. I know why. He didn’t love me enough to be the dad I needed.”
Eddie’s inhale is deep and resigned. “What do you think, since the two of you will be alone this weekend, you ask him about what happened in those last years of high school?”
Quickly shaking my head, I tell him no. “I don’t care anymore. I’ve distanced myself from the situation, and I love myself enough that I don’t need his love or anyone else’s for that matter.”
“Zee.” Eddie’s head falls back against the gray headrest of his chair. “For the love of God, please tell me that after eight years of us working together, you realize that’s not true.”
Silence overtakes the pristine counseling office that’s been my safe haven for years now.
“Do you not think you’re worthy of love?” Eddie pushes his rimless glasses up the bridge of his nose, his ankle slung over the opposite knee, and his hands folded together. If you opened up your dictionary to the word therapist, I’m pretty sure you’d find a picture of Eddie in his fucking sweater vest.
Clearly, I’m avoiding his question.
“Do you not think you’re loved?” he rephrases.
“I think a few people love me. Maddison, Logan, my sister. But I don’t know if anyone else would love me if they saw the real me.”
“Who is the real you?” Again, Eddie knows this answer.
Rolling my eyes, I remind him. “Someone who cares about his best friends. Someone who is mentally strong because I’ve worked hard for that. Someone who only gets in fights on the ice because I’m protecting my people. Someone who actually spends more time being an uncle than I spend with all the women people think I’m with.”