“Ugh, yeah. It smelled like old sausage sandwiches left out in the sun. So gross,” she said a little too loudly, but her shoulders relaxed a fraction.
“Right? Alex said he liked the smell. I think I need to move out after hearing that.”
Harper made a gagging face. “So he’s your class psychopath. Every year’s got one.”
Dan barked out a laugh. “Yeah? Who’s yours?”
“Thu. She said the lymph nodes looked like berries and pretended to pop one in her mouth. I wanted to throttle her. Maybe we need new friends,” Harper said with a laugh.
“At least we have each other.”
Harper’s smile fell and she shifted in her chair. Too close. This is getting too close.
She turned to her textbook and, after a moment, Dan did the same.
Harper lost herself in her notes for a while, slipping into that trance-like state where the various pieces start to click together into the bigger picture, when Dan’s hand slammed on the table.
“Fuck!” His voice echoed sharply around the room and it made Harper jump. He fisted his hands in his hair, then scrubbed them over his face, hiding his eyes.
“I can’t do this,” he said, his voice harsh and raw. Harper instinctively moved her hands onto him, as if to absorb his pain so he wouldn’t have to suffer.
“Hey, talk to me. What’s going on?” she asked, tugging at his arm so she could see his face. He didn’t budge. “Dan.”
“I don’t get any of this, Harps. I’m not an idiot, I swear I’m not, but I don’t get it. None of it makes sense and it’s so much detail and I can’t do it,” he said hoarsely, his voice drenched in embarrassment.
“What class is it? Let me help you.”
He let out a humorless laugh. “It isn’t just this class. It’s all of them. It’s cadaver. And pharmacology. Neurology. Metabolism. Osteology. I’m fucking it all up. I’m failing so fucking royally it’s almost funny.” He let out a shaky breath. “And it isn’t even just school. I feel like I’m failing life. I feel like I’m doing it all completely wrong.”
Harper wanted to grab him. Reach into him and stop the hurt. She didn’t feel like she was doing life wrong, necessarily, but she could never shake the feeling that she was one step away from ruining it. She felt constantly out of control, her body always in a spiral of panic. It was like she only half lived in order to survive. Fully flinging herself into life would certainly be the death of her.
“Do you know why I’m even here?” Dan asked suddenly. “Pursuing this stupid degree?”
“No, I don’t,” Harper said, placing her hand on his thigh. “Tell me.”
“I’m here because my mom asked me to be. Demanded I be. She said it was my duty to help her run the practice after my dad died. And I just went with it. Isn’t that pathetic?” he said, looking at her now. “I never wanted this. I resisted it for so long. I never wanted to be a doctor. I never had the drive. It just isn’t me. But then my mom completely lost it, and here I am. Being dragged under by this sense of guilt and duty and bullshit.”
He rubbed a hand over his forehead. “And what sucks the most is my dad was fucking right,” he whispered. “I don’t have what it takes, I’m a huge disappointment. In the end, I really didn’t give a shit about disappointing him. But my mom? How am I supposed to answer her calls? Her texts? Tell her any of this? I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how anyone does it. Even dumb-fuck Travis is able to stay afloat.”
He took a deep, shaky breath and leaned back in his chair, head tilted to the ceiling and eyes clamped shut. “I can’t even bring myself to care. I don’t see the relevance. I don’t have the passion for this like you do. I know how people talk shit about me. They judge me. They expect me to be this amazing prodigy and live up to my dad—and then they see I’m just an idiot with no clue what I’m doing and no desire to actually be here. I’m a joke.” He sat motionless, the clock ticking on the wall the only sound in the room.
Harper moved slowly, perching herself on the table in front of him. She put her feet on the sides of his seat, bracketing his thighs.
“Dan. Look at me.”
He didn’t move.
“Please,” she said softly.
Dan swallowed and she watched it travel down the column of his throat. His eyes blinked open and he moved his head to look at her. Stress and embarrassment creased his beautiful skin while pain and desperation rimmed his eyes. She held his gaze.