“I . . . I’m not sure. I . . .” She sat down, holding the table for support. “Oh, Delphine,” she whispered, “I’m so afraid.”
“Afraid?” Delphine was beside her in an instant. “Why? It doesn’t matter that you’re not married. Stefan loves you. He’ll be there for you—you mustn’t worry about that.”
Martha shook her head. “It’s not that.”
“What is it, then?”
“I lost a baby. When I was with Arnie. She was born prematurely—at five months. She was so tiny, so perfect . . .”
“Oh, Martha. I knew there must be something. I remember your face when Jadzia’s baby was found in the river. There was something in your eyes—beyond the shock of what had happened.”
“I never thought I could get pregnant again. I’m so scared I’ll lose this one, too.”
“You mustn’t think like that.” Delphine took both of Martha’s hands in hers. “In my experience, it’s quite common for women to lose a first pregnancy but go on to have healthy babies.”
“I didn’t know that,” Martha murmured.
“That’s because no one talks about it. It’s kept hidden—a private pain.”
“Arnie never wanted to talk about it. That’s when things started to go really wrong between us. His drinking got a lot worse after it happened. I blamed myself for that. I thought that if I could have given him a child, he would have been a different person. But he didn’t even want to try. He used to look at me as if I was . . .”
“Don’t dwell on that.” Delphine pulled Martha to her. “How about we get you properly examined? How far on do you think you are?”
“A couple of months. Maybe more.”
“Have you told Stefan?”
“Not yet.”
Delphine nodded. “Maybe better to wait until you’re sure. He’s going to be so excited.”
“I’m terrified of telling him. I won’t breathe a word until I absolutely have to.”
“I can understand that. But listen to me: you’re a fit, healthy woman. I’ve never known you to have a day’s illness, the whole time we’ve been here. Just remember that—and try not to worry.”
Martha gave her a wan smile. She so wanted to believe what Delphine had implied: that her good health was likely to mean a successful pregnancy. But it wasn’t going to stop her from worrying. Because somewhere deep inside, she didn’t feel she deserved this undreamed-of happiness.
CHAPTER 35
On a cold, crisp day in October, the Fürstenfeldbruck train reached its final destination. It had been a long time since Martha had smelled sea air. As she stepped onto the platform at Bremen, gulls wheeled overhead. In the distance she could see the funnels of enormous ships anchored in the docks.
Delphine was in the next carriage with her group of orphans. Martha caught a glimpse of Wolf, so tall now, jumping down from the train and catching one of the smaller children in his arms. Delphine followed. She wagged her finger at Wolf, but Martha could see that she was smiling as she looked up at him.
“Mama? Are we there now?” Halina, who had been asleep for the last part of the journey, was standing beside her.
“Yes, darling.” Martha would have held her up to see the ships, but Delphine had warned her against lifting anything.
“Papa says when we get to America, we can have ice cream. Is that America?” She pointed to the ticket office at the far end of the platform.
“We’re not there yet.” Martha ruffled Halina’s dark curls. “We have to go on the ship first. It’ll be so exciting: you and Lubya will have special beds with a ladder to climb up.”
Stefan appeared in the doorway, a suitcase in each hand, with Lubya peeping out behind him. Without thinking, Martha reached up to take the luggage from him. He smiled, shaking his head. “You go and say goodbye to Delphine,” he said.
Martha had known there wouldn’t be much time once they arrived at the port. After they got through the ticket barrier, they were unlikely to see each other again. They had said their goodbyes at the camp, at a farewell dinner made from the random selection of canned food remaining in the warehouse.
Delphine looked around as Martha touched her shoulder. The smile didn’t leave her face, but the muscles around her mouth tightened. “This is it, then.” She held out her arms for one last hug.
“You’ll write to me, won’t you?” Martha felt her throat swell as tears filled her eyes.