“Princess?” he murmured, his lips grazing my ear.
I exhaled shakily, hoping that what Kieran had said about Casteel and a wolven’s ability to scent desire was grossly exaggerated. “I…I often wanted to scream—just scream for no good reason, in the middle of the Great Hall during the City Council meetings. I would’ve loved to have screamed right in Priestess Analia’s face.”
He barked out a short, rough laugh. “I would’ve expected a far more violent desire when it came to that bitch. And I still don’t use that word often, yet I use it proudly when it comes to her.”
I grinned, feeling a savage joy at seeing the Priestess’s eyes widen when Hawke had put her in her place. “And I…I hated just standing there and listening to the Duke get upset because I didn’t walk quietly enough—”
“He seriously lectured you about that?”
“Yes.” I laughed, but there was nothing funny about any of this. “He’d lecture me about anything. Find any reason for a lesson. Not standing straight enough. Being too quiet. Not speaking quickly enough when spoken to—when I was allowed to respond, which was everchanging. I…” I shook my head. “I wanted to scream in his face—no, that’s not true. I wanted to punch him. Often. With my fists.” I paused. “With a dagger.”
Casteel was silent for a moment. “How did you deal with him? That’s something I can’t wrap my head around. You’re not weak. You’re not a pushover. That’s inherently the opposite of who you are. How did you never push back?”
I stiffened, feeling shame creep in. “I couldn’t.”
“I know that,” he immediately reassured. “I didn’t mean to suggest that you could have. You were trapped. Just like I was, and if anyone thinks you should have, then they have never been in a position where they had to do anything to survive.”
I relaxed a little. “I just…you know, it took a couple of times for me to learn how to disassociate from it. I would be there, but I would think of something—anything—else. Sometimes, I thought about all the ways I would one day pay him back for every foul thing he did or said. Other times, I imagined training with Vikter. When it was too hard to focus, I just counted. I would count as high as I could.”
He seemed to have stopped breathing. “I’m glad I killed him.”
“Me, too.” I cleared my throat. “Anyway, it wasn’t always easy, but sometimes, it was…easier to just do what they wanted, to be what they expected. I know that sounds terrible.”
“Maybe to those who’ve never survived a cane to the skin for no reason.” His voice had hardened. “We all do what we need to survive. I did countless things I never thought I would do,” he admitted freely without an ounce of shame. And I…
I envied that, but our situations were different. His was a matter of survival, life and death. Mine was not that. “But I think choosing the easier path is why I ignored my suspicions about the Ascended, or at least, it helped to dismiss them.”
“I don’t think you were alone in choosing that path. I’m sure many others in Solis have shared your suspicions, but it was easier to look past them, even if that meant suffering or sacrifice.”
I nodded. “Because the alternative would be the upending of everything you believe to be true. And not only that, it comes with the realization of the part you played. At least for me, it does. I was toted out to the people, put on display to remind everyone that the gods could choose anyone—that they too could be Blessed one day. And I always knew I wasn’t Chosen,” I whispered the last part, my chest heavy. “But I went along with it. And the whole time, they were stealing children to feed on. Taking good people and turning them into monsters. The easier choice I made too often didn’t make me a part of the problem.”
Casteel said nothing, but his fingers still moved idly.
“It made me a part of the system that bound an entire kingdom in chains created of fear and false beliefs.” I turned my cheek toward him. “You know that’s true.”
“Yes.” His breath danced along the corner of my lips. “It is true.”
I lowered my gaze to the hardened soil of the road.
“But you know what else is true? Right now, you are destroying an intricate section of the system that has chained an entire kingdom for hundreds of years,” he added. “You should never forget that you were once an accessory, but you also shouldn’t forget what you are now a part of.”