I swallowed, but the knot was still there. “So, yes, I was very angry, but what I felt for him before remained, and after learning the entire truth about the Ascended and what had happened to him and to his brother, I could understand why he set out to use me. That doesn’t mean that it was okay, but I could understand why. I refused his proposal at first, just so you know. Accepting him and…and allowing myself to feel what I did for him was a betrayal to those who were lost in all of this, and it felt like a betrayal to myself. But I still chose him despite it all.”
I closed my eyes. Up until this moment, I’d spoken the truth, some of it new to me, and I did so for the first time in front of Casteel. What came next was easier because it was the lie. “We’ve moved past how we met. At least, I have. He loves me, and I wouldn’t be here in a room full of people who have spent the entire dinner staring at me in distaste or distrust,”—I opened my eyes, slowly looking across the table, to the two mortal men—“if what we felt for one another wasn’t real. I surely would not be on my way to an entire kingdom who will likely whisper each time they see me, distrust everything there is about me, and look upon me as if I deserve not even minimal respect.”
The two men looked away, their cheeks flushing.
“I…” Dante sat down. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You,”—Casteel cleared his throat—“you don’t have to say anything. You, all of you, just need to accept that this is real.”
Real.
Alastir leaned back, his gaze heavy and somber.
It was Jasper who spoke, with a faint lift of his lips. “If you’ve chosen her, then how can we not do the same?”
Hatred.
That was what I tasted in the back of my throat, what I inhaled with every breath as I sat at the table. It came from different directions at different times, pinging around the room even though most of the tension had left once it didn’t appear as if Casteel would tear out the hearts of Alastir or Dante. Most returned to their dinners and conversation. Except for Casteel, who watched me, and the silver-haired wolven who also studied me as if I were some sort of puzzle.
But several others in the room didn’t stare and remained silent. People who hadn’t projected their emotions before but did so now.
Their anger coated every drink I took or piece of food I swallowed with a bitter taste. It took no leap of logic to realize that they weren’t happy with what Casteel or Jasper had said. Nor anything I’d said had changed what they believed of me. It wasn’t all of them, thank the gods, but it was enough for me to know that I was still not welcome here.
Restlessness hummed through me, an almost nervous sort of energy as I tried and failed to shut off the emotions of others. I didn’t know why I couldn’t when reading the emotions only when I wanted to had become so much easier throughout the day. Was it because I was tired? Maybe it was what happened with Beckett or possibly even what I’d done in the cavern with Casteel.
Or perhaps it was learning that Casteel had kept yet another thing from me?
It was probably all of those things that played a role in my sudden failure to shut down my abilities.
I looked at my plate of mostly untouched food, and I…I simply did not want to sit here any longer.
And I was tired of doing things I didn’t want to do.
“Excuse me,” I said to no one in particular, rising from my seat.
Jasper watched me but said nothing as I stepped around the chair. I walked past the tables, aware of conversations halting as I passed. I kept my chin high, wishing I’d had the forethought to go through the clothing Vonetta had brought over. Nothing took the dignity out of one’s exit like wearing clothing several sizes too large.
But I doubted being dressed in pretty tunics or even the richest of gowns would’ve changed a damn thing.
I pushed open one of the doors and stepped outside, dragging in deep breaths clean of others’ emotions. Stars had already started to glimmer in the deepening sky, and I stared upward. I was finally able to close myself off.
Turning, I spotted Delano and Naill sitting on the crumbling wall that led to the Bay. I didn’t try to read them, and it worked. Their emotions weren’t forced onto me.
“You look like you could use a drink.” Delano offered the bottle of brown liquid he held. “It’s whiskey.”
I walked over, taking the bottle by the neck. “Thank you,” I said, lifting it. The woody aroma was powerful.
“Tastes like horse piss,” Naill said. “Fair warning.”