“She’s okay. Physically.” Aios smoothed a hand over a cream panel of her gown, her features pinching. “But I think it will be a while before the mind catches up with her body.”
I wished my touch could heal those kinds of wounds, the deeper ones that no one could see. Glancing at Aios, I zeroed in on the shadows under her eyes. The empathy she’d shown Gemma when we’d spoken with her had come from a place of experience. Aios shared that same haunted look with Penellaphe.
And I had a feeling if Nyktos hadn’t taken me as his Consort when he did, and I’d been left to my stepbrother’s cruel and depraved whims, I would’ve had those shadows in my eyes, too.
“I worry that the guilt she feels rivals her fear,” she added after a moment.
“What Hamid did wasn’t her fault.” My grip tightened on the shadowstone railing. “And Bele shouldn’t blame herself for what happened tonight either.”
“Neither should you. You saved Bele’s life. You did nothing wrong.”
“I…” I looked away from Aios, my gaze traveling to the foyer below. “When I brought Bele back, I didn’t know that it would Ascend her.”
“If you had known what would happen, would that have changed things?” Aios stopped on the step above, her eyes meeting mine. “Does knowing what will happen change what you would do if presented with that choice again?”
I started to say yes but couldn’t because I’d wanted to bring Davina back. I would have if Ector hadn’t stopped me. If it happened again to another I knew? Someone Nyktos cared for, and no one was there to stop me?
A faint smile appeared, and then she turned, continuing up the stairs. “In a way, I’m not sure you have a choice. You have an ember of life in you,” she said as we reached the fourth floor, not knowing that I actually had embers of life in me. “It may have been a part of Eythos when he lived, but now, it’s a part of you. Creating life out of death is in your nature. It’s instinct.”
“Yeah,” I said, sighing as we reached the fourth floor. “But it doesn’t feel that way sometimes.”
No one was outside my chamber, but I figured it wouldn’t stay that way for long. Aios hadn’t lingered as I entered the room, where the faint, acrid scent of smoke remained. It was for the best, but I wished she’d spent a little more time. I would’ve liked to learn what her home was like away from the palace. Or how she’d become so close with Bele.
But I wouldn’t discover these things.
I glanced at the adjoining door. Just like I’d never know if Nyktos had a favorite book or food. If he could remember his dreams or if he dreamt at all. Who or what he would choose to be if he had a choice to be anyone but himself. There were so many things I wanted to learn about him. Did he remember much about his father? Did he read or allow his thoughts to wander when he had spare, quiet moments? Did he like to visit the mortal realm?
Did he regret having his kardia removed?
But what I already knew was enough to know that he didn’t deserve what this kind of life had dealt him: the loss of his parents and so many more, a Consort he’d never asked for but still had sought to protect, and living under the constant threat of Kolis. Nyktos deserved better. So did everyone in the Shadowlands.
And now I posed an entirely different threat to him and all who sought sanctuary here.
I walked out onto the balcony and looked down at the courtyard. The area had already been cleared, and only faint dark marks remained on the ground. I couldn’t let myself think about what those splotches represented. I needed a clear head as I watched the guards patrol the Rise.
The embers were important. I understood that—contrary to what Nyktos thought. The sooner I died, the less time the mortal realm would have. I didn’t know why Eythos put the embers in my bloodline, along with Sotoria’s soul. Especially since that soul made me the perfect weapon against Kolis.
Not a Consort-to-be, hidden and protected.
Not a vessel that would be able to keep the embers safe.
I had a purpose, and there was no delaying it—no matter how distasteful it was, and no matter how much I wanted it all to be different.
I waited until I couldn’t do so any longer. There was no activity in the courtyard, and I imagined that anyone who had been beyond the Rise had left the woods by now. I had no idea where Nyktos was, but I didn’t think he’d returned to his chambers yet. There had been talk of meeting with the families of those who had perished tonight. My heart clenched. He could be anywhere, and I had no way of knowing if the path I had to follow was clear, but they were all risks I had to take.