Sometimes I see only what I want to see, not what’s actually happening.
I’ve walked through life with tunnel vision, especially at Lancaster Prep. I had all of these ideas of how I should act, and who I should be. And for most of my high school life, I’ve been perfectly content with the person I am here.
Until now. Until I started working on this project with Crew and his observations about me. They’ve been a complete eye-opener.
And of course, then there’s Crew. My feelings for him. He makes me curious. He makes me want things I shouldn’t.
I’m starting not to care so much about the repercussions anymore either.
“You want to take the similarities or the differences list?” Crew asks me.
“The similarities,” I answer.
“Really? I’m thinking that might be the harder one.”
“I can handle it.”
“I didn’t say you couldn’t, I just know you’ve been going through—a lot lately,” he says, his gaze dropping to my lips.
My skin grows warm the longer he stares at me, as if he’s thinking about kissing me. Which now I’m thinking about too.
“I’m all right,” I admit. “This will be a good distraction.”
He glances around the room, making sure no one is paying attention to us before he asks, “Still upset about your parents?”
“Yeah. I can’t help but think I was blind to what was going on. How did I not see that they weren’t happy with each other anymore?”
“You’ve been here for the last three, going on four years,” Crew points out. “There’s probably been a lot going on with your parents that you have no clue about.”
“Did I mention they were going to hide it from me until the end of the year? They didn’t want to ruin Christmas and my birthday for me,” I admit.
“No, you didn’t.” He tilts his head. “You reconsidering having that party?”
I slowly shake my head. “No. That doesn’t sound like much fun. I’ll just celebrate my birthday quietly.”
My father texted me a list that his assistant put together of a variety of places I could go for my birthday winter getaway, but I haven’t really looked at any of them. I’m not going to go. Maggie’s world has been completely upended, thanks to her unexpected pregnancy, and there’s no way she’s going to want to go on vacation with me, though she’d probably benefit from a few days away from her problems.
“You’re turning eighteen. That’s a big deal,” Crew murmurs.
I lift my gaze to his. “Are you eighteen yet?”
He nods.
“And what did you do to celebrate?”
“You really want to know?” He grins, the sight of his smile making my heart pound.
“Maybe I don’t,” I say warily.
Crew chuckles. “It wasn’t that bad. Spent it at our family house in the Hamptons with friends. Got really fucking high and wasted.”
I don’t even flinch over his use of the f-word. I’ve sort of become used to it. “You like using substances?”
“I smoked a little weed and drank some booze. I don’t mind using the occasional substance. It’s all about moderation. If you’re drunk or high all the time, that’s when you’re fucked.” He studies me carefully. “Have you ever got drunk, Birdy?”
I slowly shake my head. “Never.”
“Not even a sip of champagne during New Year’s? Sneaking the occasional gulp from Mommy’s wine glass when she’s not around?”
How does he even know my mother constantly has a glass of wine in her hand?
“No. I don’t like feeling out of control,” I admit.
“I won’t even bother asking if you’ve ever smoked weed.”
I wrinkle my nose. “That’s so gross. I’m not interested in smoking anything.”
“There are other ways to do it. Edibles, for one. They make some good ones that you’d probably like.”
“No, thank you,” I say primly, feeling like the innocent girl that I am.
“You need to learn how to let loose a little,” he says. “It’s not a bad thing to have fun sometimes.”
Normally, when he says that sort of thing, I end up getting offended. But I can tell by his tone that he’s not being mean about it. I think he actually believes I do need to learn how to let go, which he’s probably right, but I don’t want to do it via drugs or alcohol.
“Is that how you let loose?” I ask him.