After this, correctional officer Jimmy Bark says that, during her time in jail, Stella has been violent on more than one occasion. Jimmy Bark gives a plainly unsympathetic impression, answering the questions briefly and nonchalantly, and I reflect that someone like him could likely provoke aggressive tendencies in the Dalai Lama.
The bearded journalist wrinkles his forehead during the correctional officer’s testimony. Then, just like that, he holds out his bag of candy to offer me some. I’m so nonplussed that I take a caramel, even though I don’t like them.
He smiles at me. Have I misjudged him?
I have always received other people with doubt. A healthy skepticism. All my life, I have dreaded appearing gullible. My father once said that only submissive dogs bare their throats to their adversaries. Only recently have I begun to understand that I don’t need to consider other people adversaries.
During my time at law school, my entire existence was one big competition.
“I’m collecting As, not friends,” I might say when turning down a social invitation.
It was as if I had built myself into a capsule, the shell of which grew harder every day. Every imperfection must be hidden by smarts and success, even as the fear that my true self would be revealed just kept growing. In spite of this, I often ended up in the spotlight at all sorts of gatherings. I had difficulty being in a situation without taking action, being an influencer. People were drawn to me and were eager to get to know me, but the only one who ever really understood me beyond arguments, exam points, and superficial mingling was Adam.
Now he’s waiting outside the courtroom door. Very soon, it will be his turn. At any moment the clerk will call him in via the PA system. I am still uncertain about what will happen.
At first I didn’t think it would work; didn’t believe we would get this far. Adam has always been unyielding when it comes to his moral standards. The idea that he would lie to the police seemed remote, if not unthinkable. But I underestimated the significance of family. People are prepared to put aside everything in the way of ethics and morals to protect their families. The most rigid of principles can be easily pulverized when it comes to defending your own child. Lies, guilt, and secrets. What family isn’t built on such grounds?
In the moment a person comes into the world, two other people are transformed into parents. The love for our children does not obey the rule of law.
Last night Adam and I sat in the kitchen with silence and a bottle of wine.
“I don’t know if I can do it, honey.”
I pray to God that he can do it. It feels odd, but I actually fold my hands and send up a prayer to God. An instant later, the clerk summons Adam into the courtroom.
89
Adam walks slowly through the room. He never takes his eyes from Stella as the presiding judge welcomes him and tells him where to sit.
He takes the witness’s seat, his back to the gallery. The bearded man looks at me the way you look at someone who’s critically ill.
Then the judge gives Michael the floor.
“Hello, Adam,” he says. “I understand that this is incredibly hard for you, so I’ll try to keep it brief. Can you begin by telling the court about your work?”
Adam still hasn’t taken his eyes off Stella.
“I’m a pastor in the Church of Sweden.”
At Michael’s urging, he explains that he was a prison chaplain for many years but is now a pastor for one of the city’s largest congregations.
His voice falters a bit.
“Can you briefly describe your relationship with Stella?” Michael asks.
Adam and Stella look at each other.
“I love Stella,” Adam says. “She means everything to me.”
My heart ties itself in a knot. More than once, over the years, I have reproached Adam for the state of my relationship with Stella. When she was little, I constantly heard about what a wonderful dad Adam was, and how lucky I was to have had a child with him. That was certainly true. Adam was and is a fantastic family man and I love him dearly for it. I am ashamed of the envy I have sometimes felt. Why did I react to my own failures with Stella by further distancing myself? I worked too much instead of dealing with our relationship, spending even more time on something I knew I was actually good at. I was clearly deceiving myself; it was a betrayal of Stella.
Next Michael asks for an account of Adam and Stella’s relationship over the years.
“It hasn’t always been perfect,” Adam replies. “There have been ups and downs. At times it was very difficult.”
Michael gives him a chance to elaborate and Adam hangs his head slightly.