“I can’t handle it,” I say, feeling the tears spring to my eyes. “I don’t want to see them.”
51
I knew Dad was ridiculously fond of Robin. I had heard him praise the man on more than one occasion.
It wouldn’t be too difficult to lure Robin into the woods. And once I did, he wouldn’t be able to resist me. Then the whole gang of guys would come sneaking up and catch us red-handed. It would be a major clusterfuck.
Dad would freak out, of course. I knew he was still around; his car was parked by the dining hall.
The first part of my plan worked. But once I got Robin in among the trees, hidden from the rest of the camp, I started to have second thoughts. Robin was looking at me in a totally new way when he lifted his arm to touch me. There was a tenderness to it, as if he truly had feelings for me.
“We can’t do this,” he whispered, touching me with sensitive fingertips.
He was right. I was about to ruin everything for him. He would be finished as a camp director; he’d probably never get a job in the Church of Sweden again. Or worse.
Dad was the one I wanted to punish. Not Robin.
“In a few years,” I said, slowly lifting his hand away. “In three years I’ll be eighteen.”
He smiled.
“Can you wait that long?” I asked.
We still had a few minutes before the guys would come sneaking through the trees. I looked at Robin’s longing lips. I wanted to kiss him so much. Just once. What would it matter?
“Your dad,” he said, turning his head. “Adam is your dad.”
“So what? Are you afraid of my dad?”
“Afraid?” He laughed. “Who could be afraid of Adam?”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Nothing. It’s just, you’re so different.”
He took my hand and led me farther into the trees.
“Come with me.”
His teeth gleamed in the dim light.
There was something he wanted to show me. Something in his room in the counselors’ cabin. When I pointed out that it was strictly forbidden for us confirmands to be in the counselors’ area, he laughed.
“What they won’t know won’t hurt them.”
Ignorance is power.
“What about Dad?” I asked, looking around anxiously.
Robin didn’t hear me.
“Come on,” he said, unlocking the door.
There were four rooms in the counselors’ cabin. A cramped hallway with a mirror and four doors. It smelled like a summer cabin. Robin’s was the last room on the left.
He went to the window and pulled down the shade.
“Sit down,” he said, pointing at the bed.
It was messy, with his clothes and belongings strewn everywhere: on the floor, on the bed, on the small bedside table. Next to the bed stood Robin’s half-open suitcase, and as I sat I peered curiously down at underwear, deodorant, and undershirts.
“Be right back,” he said, vanishing into the hall again.
I sat on the bed and felt the beating of my heart. Soon I heard the flush of the toilet.
I’m not stupid. Sure, I was only fifteen, but obviously I knew what was happening. There wasn’t anything Robin wanted to show me. I could have stood up and run away, and the thought did occur to me, but I wanted to stay. I wanted to hold on to the thrill.
And by then there was no risk that the guys would catch us in the act and throw everything into chaos. The worst that could happen was if they started looking for us and …
I sent off a quick text.
Abort! I changed my mind.
And received a thumbs-up in response.
A second later, Robin opened the door. There was something new in his face, something resolute, determined. His upper lip twitched as he pulled me close. Our lips met, his tongue found its way into my mouth, and we kissed.
I enjoyed it.
He pressed himself against me and that turned me on. I wanted him to keep going.
After a while, he rolled me onto the bed. I lay on my back and he let his whole weight rest on me, covering my mouth with his lips and sticking his tongue way down my throat.
It didn’t feel good anymore. I couldn’t breathe.
I flailed beneath him like a fish. Tried to scream. Didn’t he notice he was hurting me?
I couldn’t breathe, but Robin just kept going. There was no longer anything tender or loving about it. His motions were forceful, a demonstration of power and strength. I was prey and he had brought me down.
At last I realized it was pointless to resist. All I could do was close my eyes and wait for the hurt to stop. Hope it would be quick.