“You had a map already?”
It was pretty awkward. I hadn’t been able to say anything when I received the present from him, and I didn’t know what to say now either.
Chris made a gesture that meant it’s fine.
“Know what?” he asked. “I’ve arranged things so I have February and March off next year. That’s a great time to visit Asia.”
I just smiled. What could I say? That I preferred to go by myself? That there was no chance he would be coming with me?
Chris pressed up against me. He gently swept my hair out of the way and kissed me slowly. His hand slid along the hem of my underwear; I closed my eyes. No one else had ever turned me on so much.
“Where do your parents sleep?”
Without letting go of me, he backed out through the door.
“There?” he said, pointing at Mom and Dad’s bedroom.
He guided me through the hall in a reluctant dance. Obviously I wasn’t about to lie down in their bed. I pushed Chris away but he came right back. The door opened and we stumbled into their bedroom. I tensed my body, grabbed the handle of the door and struggled.
“Not here.”
Chris laughed and let go of me. He stood there motionless, looking down at my parents’ double bed.
“So this is where Papa Pastor sleeps.”
When he looked at me, I felt the sting of his smile.
“Come on,” he said, putting his arms around me. “I want to have you in Mommy and Daddy’s bed.”
“No, stop it.”
I struggled against him. He made an attempt to tip me over onto the bed, but apparently he underestimated my strength. I filled my feet with energy until they were stuck to the floor like suction cups, then used my upper body to push him off. I’d been through much tougher wrestling matches on the six-meter line of the handball court.
“Okay, okay,” Chris said, laughing, trying to disarm me with his expression. “It was just a thought. An experiment. Don’t you like to experiment?”
I thought of the objects in the locked drawer of the file cabinet.
“Not like this, anyway,” I said.
“No?”
All my desire was gone.
“Let’s go sit on the couch for a while.”
Chris made a wounded face and waited a moment before following me down the stairs. I turned on the TV and rested my head on his shoulder. My thoughts were going a mile a minute.
What was keeping me with Chris? I had been so goddamn tired of how nothing ever happened, so when Chris showed up I had thrown myself headfirst into the unknown. But now? I didn’t want a boyfriend, much less one who was thirty-two. I wasn’t about to experiment in my parents’ bed. Above all I just wanted to take off on the journey I’d been dreaming about for ages. No fucking guy was going to stand in my way.
I looked at Chris. He was, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful beings I’d ever been in the vicinity of. But what did that matter? I wasn’t even eighteen yet—I had my whole life ahead of me.
Chris gazed at me for a long time. His smile was back to being all kind and adorable. All the hard edges had been erased.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to say it. I only knew that something had to be said.
74
The next morning, Chris had to hurry off to a meeting. I did a walk-through of the house with a spray bottle and a rag so I could rub out every trace of him.
I messaged Amina:
Think I have to dump Chris.
Why??? she responded.
I kept fiddling with the wording, saving draft after draft, erasing it all and writing it again. At last, I sent something: Think he’s starting to fall for me.
Amina didn’t answer for almost an hour. Then she wrote that it was probably for the best.
Later that afternoon, Mom and Dad returned home from vacation.
“It looks so nice in here,” said Mom.
I asked if they’d had a good time, and they both smiled and nodded.
“You should have been there,” said Mom.
Or not.
They were in high spirits. Dad joked around, making a fool of himself. As Mom tried to unpack her suitcase he tickled her midsection, wrapped his arms around her from behind, and kissed the back of her neck.
“What did you do to him?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” Mom giggled.
“Yeah, what do you mean?” Dad said, poking his tickle-fingers into my side as well, until I had to flee to the kitchen.
“Is he on happy pills or something?”
“I am the only happy pill your dad needs.” Mom laughed.
* * *