With William’s help, Ray’s written work has improved, and his physical presentation no longer causes offence. His dark hair is parted and combed, his nails clean and filed. But still he shows little aptitude for the work, which William finds infuriating. Sometimes, when it’s just the two of them carrying out a procedure, he simply intervenes, taking the instruments from Ray’s clumsy hands and doing it himself. Ray rarely complains, but yesterday, when William snatched the aneurysm hook off him, he muttered, ‘I know I’m useless, but why should you be so angry about it?’
William did not reply as he easily separated the neck tissue to find the vein that had eluded Ray.
The truth is, William thinks he’ll never stop resenting Ray for lying his way into the Finches’ home. He feels personally robbed, with the theft continuing day by day. He no longer ends the evening with a cup of cocoa and a chat with Gloria. She asks him, but she asks Ray too. As if he doesn’t spend enough time with Ray as it is.
During the week, William’s escape is Scudamore, but he quickly realised he needed something else for the weekend; to get him out of the house, out of himself. A poster for a Millais exhibition at the Tate Gallery got him there for the first time. One visit was all it took.
Big, beautiful and free; the Tate, the National Portrait Gallery and the V&A invite him in, to sit, to wonder, for as long as he wants. Paintings quickly become old friends to revisit, and no matter how long he spends strolling through the galleries, there is always something new to win his heart.
By ten o’clock on a Saturday, he’d usually be on a bus and on his way. But this morning, stepping onto the landing, the air feels still and cold, as if he’s the only one in. He washes, dresses, then runs lightly down the stairs, feeling the relief of solitude. He pulls some bread from the waxed paper bag, lights the grill and lays the slice under the popping flame, turning it just at the right time. There’s a new jar of the lime marmalade Mrs Finch sometimes buys because she knows he likes it.
He drops two spoons of tea into the dark earthy pot. He flicks on the radio and pulls the toast out; perfectly brown and crisp each side. His bare feet are warm and comfortable. Tony Bennett is singing ‘I Left My Heart in San Francisco’ and the margarine is melting nicely on his toast. He sips the tea and wipes the crumbs from the counter before taking a bite of the bread. Leaning against the worktop, he hums, then sings softly, blending his voice with Tony’s, so used to not singing it feels transgressive. He sings louder, and it’s good to feel the vibration in his chest and throat.
He turns the radio up and takes his plate to go into the dining room.
Gloria stands in the hall in her coat, cheeks red from outside, delight all over her lovely face. ‘My God, William!’
‘Sorry!’ he says. ‘I didn’t hear you come in! I wouldn’t have made such a racket if I’d known I wasn’t on my own.’
‘Racket?’ she says quietly. ‘It was bloody beautiful!’
He smiles at the floor. She comes closer and touches his hand, seeking eye contact by dipping her face below his.
‘Talk about hiding your light under a bleeding bushel.’ She puts her bag on the floor, unbuttons her coat and swirls it off her shoulders, talking all the way down the hall to the coat hooks. ‘Why on earth aren’t you in a choir or something?’
He holds his half-eaten piece of toast which is now limp, over-soaked with marmalade. ‘I was once,’ he says. Gloria reappears and sits herself on the counter. ‘I was a chorister for four years, in Cambridge.’ He quickly drops his toast in the bin and rinses his plate under the running tap. ‘Tea?’ he says, pointing at the teapot.
Gloria swings her legs, her hands on the edge of the worktop. ‘Thought you’d never ask.’ She’s grinning, looks as if she wants this, to be talking to him, like old times. ‘Why haven’t you ever told me?’
He reaches over her head to the cupboard and takes out a delicate cup. He pours the tea, holding the strainer above its rim, feeling the steam over his face. Eventually he shrugs his shoulders.
‘It’s never come up. Like it never came up that you cut hair.’ He sees her surprise, as if he’s slapped her with no warning.
‘I’ll cut your hair anytime you want, William.’ She’s defensive. ‘I just thought you’d got that covered.’
The silence is too deep, too charged for either of them to pretend that they haven’t entered strange and difficult territory, that everything is normal. The click and push of the front door is followed by a cool swill at William’s ankles. There’s a movement in the hallway, a darkening of the light.