“I don’t know…” I say quietly, the bowl of cereal cold in my hand.
I can tell that he’s struggling discussing this with me. Maybe he fears that I’ll take it the wrong way and hate him for it. I’m trying to be as open-minded as he is with me.
He sets his coffee on the counter. “I’m never gender specific. I told you that I’ve been with different people.”
It starts clicking. “You’ve kissed a guy before me,” I mention. I’ve never brought it up. I didn’t want to make anything awkward, and I was waiting for this moment—for him to just tell me parts of his past. I try not to pry into people’s lives. Anyway, it means more when they’re willing to share on their own.
He nods. “Do you remember during the reality show, we were all asked if we’ve been with a man?”
“Yeah, I remember that interview.”
“I answered it differently than you and Ryke. I said that many people want to be with me.”
I didn’t think much of it. I just thought it was Connor being conceited, but I’m recognizing that it’s a lot more than that. “Are you bisexual?” I ask.
“I believe in attraction between people. To me, heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality—they’re just terms and constructs that people have built over the years.” He meets my eyes. “Like boxes that we have to fit in. I don’t fit into a box, Lo. I don’t want to fit in one.”
It’s not as surprising as I thought it’d be. Maybe because I’ve never classified Connor as anything before. “Have you been attracted to a guy?”
He shrugs like it’s not a big deal. I guess it isn’t. “Many kinds of people interest me,” he says. “But I’ve never been more attracted to someone than I have Rose. And that won’t ever change.”
“Does she know?”
His lips curve in a grin. “Of course. She’s known my stance on this since I was sixteen.”
I’d say those two have the strangest relationship, but I’m codependent with my sex addict girlfriend. “So are you worried something’s going to get out in the media?” He started this whole conversation off with a fear of that.
“Like I said, I’ve done things in the past…and not everything may stay under the rug. I just wanted you to know where I’m coming from before the media starts twisting things.”
I want to ask if he’s had sex with a guy. It’s…weird to think about.
He must read my expression because he says, “I’ve fucked men. Not always because I liked them.”
It’s a lot to take in, but he’s not much different than the guy I’ve always known. It’s something he proclaimed moments ago: If you look closely at the things I say, you’ll see more of me. He’s been saying all of these things for years, and subliminally, I’ve been accepting him as he is. Even if I couldn’t see all of him.
“For what it’s worth,” I tell Connor, “it’s kind of extraordinary you can transcend sexual orientations. You’re like an amoeba.”
“Amoebas are asexual,” he says. “I’m more like a god.”
I put my bowl on the counter and slow clap.
He grabs his coffee and raises it to me with a smile.
I nod to him. “Have you ever lied before and just said you were gay or straight?”
“All the time,” he says without missing a beat. “Lily even asked me once if I was gay, and instead of getting into it, I assured her that I liked women. I knew that Lily was Rose’s sister, and I needed Lily to want me to be with Rose.”
Because Rose loves her sisters and she’d value Lily’s opinion. “That’s fucked up, love.”
“Immoral,” Connor says, pointing to his chest.
Footsteps sound on the stairs, and Connor and I instantly go quiet. I return to my bowl of cereal and he refills his coffee. Ryke breaches the doorway with a hardened, unshaven jaw and unkempt hair.
“Don’t fucking stop talking on my account,” he says, his voice gruff like he just woke up.
I crane my neck to see the oven clock behind Connor. “It’s already noon.”
“It’s Saturday,” Ryke refutes, opening the cupboard. He doesn’t work, and he rock climbs on random days, so I have no idea when he’s going to wake up at the crack of dawn or sleep in. I bet Connor can predict him though. “And you’re eating breakfast, so why harp on me?”
“Someone didn’t get laid last night,” I say.