He loves me.
And it’s a fucked up love. Ryke is right. It does mess with my head. And it’s something I have so much trouble walking away from. Sometimes I don’t want to. Other times, it’s all I dream about.
My father’s eyes hold this unbridled clarity, unwavering from mine, the haziness of his drink gone to honesty. “I told Ryke that I would do it all over again. I have zero regrets, in this lifetime or the next.”
Zero regrets.
That’s what I pick out from that. Zero regrets. Not even when he grabbed me by the neck, not when he called me a shitty fuck at ten years old. Not when he made me feel like I was never good enough to be his son. Zero regrets.
Right.
No one says anything more at first. Ryke is probably worried that I resent him. He wished I wasn’t alive. But truth is, I kind of did too. Until I looked at Lily. Until I talked to her. I don’t think I could have survived this life without that girl.
I redirect the conversation to Hale Co., which my father only likes to discuss in small quantities. The company took a minor hit in comparison to Fizzle, but he’s still working on launching a new baby product. Something about cribs. It’s ironic that the world’s worst dad has a fortune from baby things, but since it was my grandfather’s business first, it makes the irony less valid. Unless he was an alcoholic asshole too.
The burgers arrive when he says, “This marriage helps Fizzle, but do you know what would really benefit Hale Co.?”
Ryke freezes, the lettuce falling out of his bun.
I must be slower because I don’t get it. “What?”
My father cuts through his burger with a knife, juices oozing out. His eyes find mine. “It’s a baby merchandize company. Babies would help.” I can’t breathe. “Little Hale babies in little Hale onesies. It would be great goddamn marketing.” He takes a bite of his burger. “You can’t beat that.”
“No,” I say instantly. My blood feels like it’s on fire. I have been coerced into marrying Lily. I’m not going to have children because my father tells me to. There has to be a line somewhere.
“You didn’t even think about it.”
“I said no. Not now. Not in a fucking year. Not ever.”
My father sets down his silverware and wipes his mouth with a napkin. “Is this a new development?”
“No.”
“Is something wrong?” he frowns. “Are you sterile?”
“For fuck’s sake,” I snap. I didn’t think I’d have to discuss this with him. “I don’t want kids. It’s not because I can’t have them. I don’t want them.” I don’t want them to turn out like you. Or me.
Ryke stays quiet, but I can tell he’s processing. The only person I told was Lily. That’s the only one who mattered.
“You’ll change your mind,” my father says like he knows me so well. He picks up his knife again. “And it’s okay if it’s not anytime soon. Hale Co. can wait.”
We finish eating and after all the tense conversations, it’s hard to remember why we were here in the first place. One of the servers clears the last dish, and I ask the question. “Who’s the leak?”
“That, I can’t tell you,” he says.
“You’ve got to be shitting me,” Ryke growls, saying exactly what I’m thinking.
My father ignores Ryke. “The good news is that I have it under control, and it’s being handled quietly. If I tell you two, I’m sure you’ll cause a fucking mess that I won’t be able to clean.”
I don’t agree with him. I can’t. “I need to know,” I refute. “This isn’t some guy who did me wrong or fucked me over in a small way.”
“You won’t change my mind, Loren.”
“Why’d you tell me to come here then?!” I shout, blindsided by all of this. We sat here for nothing.
“To have lunch with you and to tell you that you need to drop this. Let it go.”
I spring up from the table like my soles are on fire. “Let it go?!”
My father glowers. “Loren, you’re overacting.”
“Lo,” Ryke says, rising and resting a hand on my shoulder.
“Overreacting?” I let out a manic laugh. “I have a girlfriend at home who’s scared to walk out of the fucking house without getting assaulted. And I’m overacting? It took her a month to stop tossing and turning at night.” I grip the chair. “She has men mailing her goddamn plastic penises from prison and alleged sex tapes being rumored every day. This bastard toyed with her for weeks, texting her vile things before he finally leaked it. And you have his fucking name!”