“Yes, he’s sober, but is Lily any different? Has she started going to therapy or waned off sex?”
“You guys, please stop,” I say, my voice lost to their heated ones. They do not need to be discussing my sex life at Lucky’s. I may never muster the courage to come back here.
“He has a plan,” Ryke retorts. “You need to trust that he loves Lily.”
He has a plan? Is this what they were talking about?
“What sort of plan?” Rose wonders. Yeah, what sort of plan. And why did no one tell me?!
“He’s going to start limiting her and gradually decrease her use of porn.”
I gape while my sister nods in approval.
“What?!” I shout. I’m more disturbed by the fact that Lo talked about our sex life with Ryke of all people. “Tell me you didn’t discuss this with Lo.” I already see the answer. The moment Ryke projected himself into my life at the library, telling me he would help Lo, I took the opportunity. I told him about Lo’s addiction. And if he gave the same offer to Lo, I know he would take it.
Ryke unabashedly meets my gaze. “He told me most of your dirty secrets.”
“Oh my God,” I mumble, looking frantically over at Rose like what do I do?
She glares at Ryke for me. “That’s personal.”
“Yeah? Well guys talk just like girls do. Maybe you should remember that before you go down on someone.”
Connor cuts in. “All right, everyone needs to cool down right now. I think people are beginning to stare. Come on, Rose.” He lifts her up by the arm. “Let’s go outside for a minute.”
She tensely rises from her seat but points at Ryke. “I’m glad you’re here for Lo, but I swear, if you hurt my sister—”
“Rose.” Connor ushers her from the booth.
Ryke says, “I wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone.”
Connor gives him a look. “Just stop talking.”
Rose starts rambling, and Connor finds the right reply each time, keeping her sane as they take a breather. At least she found a date to the Charity Gala this year who isn’t gay.
Around the same moment, the food arrives, and only Ryke and I are left at the table to eat it. Neither of us touches our plates.
“I don’t want to be limited,” I tell him. “This isn’t about me right now.”
“It’s always been about you,” Ryke says. “If you would have told me from the start what kind of deal you two struck and what kind of lives you lived, I wouldn’t have been so upset with you when you stopped helping Lo. I apologize for that.”
“He needs to concentrate on himself,” I remind Ryke.
“Lily…” He puts his elbows on the table and leans in. “You two have done everything together. You’ve been through every step of your lives with the other by your side. In order for this to work, you can’t be regressing while he’s moving forward.”
My frown deepens. The way he phrased that—it makes it seem like he’ll change into a different person. That he may become someone new, someone that does not fit into my life anymore. Maybe he’ll outgrow my rituals and find a person that shapes his new routines. I don’t like that future, but I want one where he’s better.
“Do you understand what I’m saying?” he asks.
“Okay,” I nod. “Okay, I’ll try.”
He stays tense.
My brows bunch. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
“No, but the admission is nice to hear.”
I glare. “I can fight.”
“I guess we’ll see how hard.” He leans back. “And Lily…I sincerely hope you surprise me.”
I do too.
*
Lo has been kind enough to gradually limit me. No hardcore sex in the past week. I threw out half my porn videos yesterday, but the desire still lingers. Instead of compulsively filling it, I pop a few sleeping pills so I’ll pass out before thinking about sex. Nighttime is the worst. My endorphins rise and all I want to do is straddle Lo in some nefarious way.
But I try. I have to.
I’m scared to be alone. I’m afraid I’ll start touching myself or I’ll call a gigolo out of impulse. I’ve been so paranoid that I’ve skipped most of my classes. I think I’m going to have to retake three out of five in my schedule. It’s better than cheating on Lo and cheating on myself.
Lo barely sleeps. He tosses and turns in the middle of the night, even waking me from my pill-induced slumber. I keep waiting for his withdrawals to lessen, to be easier, but they never are. Sometimes I wonder if he’s going to have to fight this forever. And then I realize, I may have to fight that long too.