“Childhood friends,” Lo tells him. “You want to know if I took her virginity too? I didn’t. Some prick beat me to it.”
“Lo!” I grab a pillow, about to hide behind it.
Ryke keeps his challenging gaze on Lo. “That’s interesting.” He finds the loss of my virginity interesting—that’s just great. “Did you lose your virginity to her?”
Lo drinks at this.
Ryke rolls his eyes. “I’ll take that as a yes. Is she the only girl you’ve ever been with?”
I interject, “I don’t see what this has to do with anything.”
“No,” Lo ignores me. “I’ve slept with other girls.”
“I wasn’t talking about sex.”
Lo holds Ryke’s stare. “Long term, yeah. Same for her.”
I wonder if Ryke is adding up all the years that I’ve enabled Lo, helping facilitate his addiction. When his eyes flicker to me with a sliver of contempt, I know he probably is. I can change things now. It may hurt our relationship, but I’ve found a way.
I crawl over to Lo and press my shoulder against his. He finishes his drink, and before he stands, I wrap an arm around his waist, keeping him here.
His cold eyes cut me, and he whispers lowly, “I’m not in the mood.” He disentangles my hands from him and steps over my feet to go to the kitchen. I sit back like he socked me in the gut.
“You okay?” Ryke whispers.
Tears build. “I don’t know what to do,” I mutter.
“If I come over there, will he strangle me?”
My eyes burn. “I’m not even sure anymore.”
Ryke tests the waters and plants his butt on the cushion next to me. “You’re doing a decent job, Lily. I just don’t understand why you haven’t tried sooner.” Because we have a system that cannot be disrupted.
“He’s not hurting anyone,” I try to defend in a small whisper. “He’s never hurt anyone, Ryke.”
“Seems to me he’s hurting you.”
I shake my head. “Me? No, I’m fine.”
“Then why are you crying, Lily?”
I wipe the traitorous tears, and Lo enters without a drink but carries Ryke’s bundle of dry clothes. He throws them on his lap.
“It’s time for you to leave.” Lo won’t even look at me.
Ryke stands tensely, holding the clothes. He edges towards Lo and whispers to him, “Your girlfriend is upset, Lo. Can’t you see that?” He’s trying to guilt him into sobriety. I doubt that’ll work.
“Don’t act like you know her.”
“I know her enough.”
“You don’t know shit. You’d be fucking spinning if you did.” He motions to the shirt that Ryke wears. “Keep my clothes. I don’t need them.”
“Fine. I’ll see you soon.” With this, he makes his exit, the door slamming shut.
Lo wipes his mouth and says, “I’ll be in my room.”
My chest caves. We should talk, but what do I say? Lo, I wish you would stop drinking. And he’d say, Lily, I wish you’d stop having so much sex. And then we’d look at each other and wait for the other to say okay, I’ll change for you. But there’d be silence so deep and cutting that I’d feel ripped open and bare. There’s no coming back from that.
I respond in the only way that makes sense to me. “I’m sorry for putting you in that situation. I’m really, really sorry, Lo.”
His muscles tense and he runs a hand through his hair. “I want to be alone right now. We can have sex in the morning, okay?” He leaves me. And I sink into the couch and listen to the ticking of an old, expensive clock on the bookshelf.
I curl up in a blanket, so hollow inside.
Minutes pass before I actually start crying, the messy tears that scrunch up your face and cause snot to run.
At least no one can see me, but I know I’m not alone in my misery.
*
Morning sex is hard and rough and so emotional that my head starts whirling. I’m so dizzy by the end of it that I rush to the bathroom and vomit in the toilet.
“Lily,” Lo calls, pulling up his boxer-briefs as he hurriedly enters the bathroom. He kneels behind me and rubs my back. “You’re okay. You’re okay.” He says it like he’s trying to convince himself.
I dry heave for a full minute before I calm down, my trembling hands gripping the toilet bowl.
“What happened?”
I keep my back to him. “I was dizzy.”