A gentle knock sounded on the door, then immediately it was opened by – no surprise – Kallie. ‘Guys!’ she declared. ‘Just checking you’re both okay.’
Luke had already put several feet of empty space between us. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘We’re fine.’
Kallie grasped my shoulders. ‘Fathers-in-law, right! Believe me, Brian is one of the good guys, he just never knows where the line is.’
Flustered, I nodded.
‘I would have brought you a glass of brandy but’ – she shrugged – ‘you can’t have it. It’s too bad.’ She turned to Luke. ‘How about you, hon? Something medicinal?’
‘I’m good, Kal, thanks.’
‘We should …’ I began moving to the door.
Speeding down the hill, as relieved as if I’d done a jailbreak, I rang Quin to tell him I was on my way over.
As soon as I stepped into his house, I said, ‘That was the last time. I’m not going to see him again.’
‘And why’s that?’
‘He apologized.’ I laid it out for Quin. ‘I mean, it wasn’t the grovelling that I’d wanted, once upon a time. But it’s a realistic explanation. It’s good enough.’
‘Well. Great.’ Then, ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes. Well, I think I am.’
‘Come here to me.’ He pulled my body against his.
I had been seeing Quin for several weeks before I told him about Yara. I’d needed to be absolutely certain that he’d get it.
‘I can’t even imagine …’ he’d stuttered, visibly shocked. ‘I love my kids so much and if anything happened to them … I’m not sure I’d ever get over it. Jesus, Rachel.’ He’d shaken his head. ‘You’ve really been through it.’
The revelation of his vulnerability had surprised me. Without a doubt, it had bonded us in a more loving way. And although he never tried to involve himself in my grief, he was always solicitous and gentle.
‘What would you like to do tonight?’ he asked. ‘Dr Quin suggests bed rest.’
‘Does he now?’ I laughed. ‘Well, Dr Rachel agrees.’
‘Wait now, what kind of bed rest is Dr Rachel prescribing?’
‘The nice kind,’ I teased. ‘The good kind.’
Later, lying in bed, we were chatting idly about bits and pieces, when I mentioned the weird business with Kallie and the credit note.
‘What?’ Quin exclaimed. ‘She’s a right chancer.’
‘I think she’s just short of money.’
‘Ah now, Rach – that bullshit with the condom? Even if it was true, asking you for help was suspect. And she didn’t come prepared to pay the doctor. Nor has she paid me back – not that I care, I’m good for it. But to do it to Kate, that’s really shitty. Telling you, Rach, Kallie is a hustler.’
‘Ah, no.’
‘She’s likeable, I’m not saying she’s not. She’s fun. But she’s a grifter.’
‘… Luke wouldn’t be with someone like that.’
‘Ah, he could.’ Quin’s certainty was surprising. ‘Like, he’s not the brightest, is he? Luke, I mean.’
Wasn’t he?
Okay, he was nothing like Quin, who was all over hard news and popular culture, consuming everything with an impatient hunger, trying to glean the gist of a thing as quickly as possible. Also unlike Quin, Luke had a tendency to think the best of people until they proved otherwise – well, he had once upon a time, it could be different now. But that didn’t make him ‘not the brightest’。
However, I kept my mouth shut. Quin was entitled to his opinion. And for me to openly disagree with him, to actually defend Luke, that would be weird.
51
After Yara died, Luke took a week off work, while his deputy Gustavo ran things – then he had to go back. Me, though, I found myself unable to get out of bed. My sadness was unbearable.
It was impossible to stop scanning the timeline of my pregnancy, moving back and forth along the months, searching for the break, the point at which I’d done something that had damaged her. Was it that long-haul flight to Ireland? Even though I’d only been five months gone then, so it should have been safe. Could it have been the chemicals from hair dye? I’d got my roots done just before I knew that I was pregnant – was that when the damage had been done? Or had it been something I’d eaten?
I sobbed and sobbed all day, every day. Luke would come home from work and find me exactly where he’d left me eight hours earlier.