‘Trassa, why are you crying?’
‘Because … because … I’m a very bad person. I can’t believe that I’ve saddled Ronan with a second mortgage and him with a young family.’
‘Okaaay?’
‘I did it to Keith too. And Michael, my eldest, he lent me fifteen grand to pay Collie Byrne another time and I never paid him back. It’s so much money,’ she gasped. ‘How did I not see?’
Michael, my eldest. Something twanged in me – I’d have to come back to it.
‘Did you not know how much Ronan had to borrow?’ Ella asked.
‘I did!’ Trassa turned a tear-stained face to Ella. ‘I did! But it didn’t bother me. I don’t know how it didn’t.’
When people emerged from denial, it wasn’t as if they suddenly remembered things they’d conveniently forgotten. The facts had always been there in plain sight, but the addict had managed to blur their importance. The details of Trassa’s addiction were the same as they’d always been, but for the first time she was seeing them for what they actually were. She was in shock.
‘I knew it was a lot of money,’ she said. ‘But my lads are educated, they have opportunities that I’d never had, they own their own houses. I knew they could afford it.’
‘But they can’t afford it,’ I said. ‘Ronan’s had to take out a second mortgage. So has Keith.’
Her eyes pleaded with me. ‘Maybe I just decided they could afford it?’
‘Why would you do that?’
‘I don’t know. It must be because it suited me to? Because they were the only people who could get the money for me.’
‘Why did you think they should help you?’ I asked.
‘Because I’m their mother! I gave birth to them and my life in that house was hard going. Never enough room and their GAA kit flung everywhere and they were always hungry, always looking for more dinners. Keith was forever sick, so I was up and down to the doctor with him and Seamus Junior was selling drugs for a while and I was afraid the guards would come to the front door and Seamus Senior was fucking useless and no one ever said thank you or offered to make me a cup of tea. There was never anything for me.’
‘So, you thought that they owed you? How much of a factor did your bullying play?’
‘Wh–at?’ She was suddenly looking wary.
‘They’re frightened of you, your sons.’ Well, I knew for a fact that Ronan, Joe and Seamus Junior were. Michael and Keith would have nothing to do with this. ‘You knew if you told them you needed a lot of money they’d do everything they could to get it. Didn’t you?’
Her tears had dried. ‘They’re not scared of me.’
‘They are, but,’ Chalkie murmured. ‘That poor Ronan lad was bricking it.’
‘And he felt fierce fecking guilty about you being in here.’ Dennis was grim. In the last couple of days he’d put clear blue water between himself and Trassa, worried that addiction might be catching.
‘He didn’t feel guilty.’ Trassa’s voice was unconvinced.
‘Trassa, if I may.’ Giles radiated wisdom and compassion – and Chalkie rolled his eyes at him. ‘There was a time when I felt exactly as you do now. I used a lethal combination of emotional blackmail and veiled threats to persuade my wives to support my addiction. I withheld money from Ingrid, said that without cocaine I couldn’t do my job properly, and if I lost it, we were all penniless.’
‘But you’re a schemer, Mister Big Shot Moneybags and I’m just a poor old woman from Carlow. I’m nothing like you!’
30
On Saturday morning, Quin and I were dozing when my phone rang, startling us both.
‘It’s Kate.’ The only time she rang me was during an emergency. ‘Hi, honey, what’s up?’
‘Heyyy. Where are you?’
‘Quin’s.’ My heart was pounding. ‘What’s going on? Are you okay?’
‘Yeahhhh. I need your help. Well, not me.’
‘Help how?’ She sounded like she’d had a bang to the head.
‘It’s Kallie.’
‘… Kallie?’ Hurriedly I sat up in the bed. Beside me, Quin mouthed, WTF?
‘She had an accident,’ Kate said.
‘Is she hurt?’ In which case, what was I meant to do? I wasn’t a doctor.
‘Not that kind of accident. An accident with a … condom.’
It took me a moment. Oh, right. Sex. With Luke.