I also remember two Roman senators speaking on their way to the forum. One of the senators was played by my lawyer Alan U. Schwartz, and the other by Jay Burton, who was a dear friend and one of Bob Hope’s top comedy writers.
Alan as the first senator says, “Sic transit gloria.”
And Jay replies, “I didn’t know Gloria was sick?” A cheap laugh, but a laugh’s a laugh.
* * *
—
When the idea to do a musical version of the Spanish Inquisition hit me, I thought it might be too much of a risk. Was I sticking my chin out a little too far? I mean after all, the Spanish Inquisition was a terrible period of persecution and horror for the Jews of that time. But the challenge of taking big risks and pulling it off was always kind of thrilling. I couldn’t resist. I immediately called Ronny Graham, my musical partner in crime. In less than two weeks we came up with a terrific and dangerous song called “The Inquisition.”
* * *
—
Me as Torquemada, leading a chorus of inquisitors singing, “We know you’re wishin’ that we’d go away, but the Inquisition’s here, and it’s here to stay!”
A short example, here’s how it starts:
chief monk （phil leeds）： [spoken]
All pay heed! Now enters his holiness Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition!
Torquemada; do not employ him for compassion
Torquemada; do not beg him for forgiveness
Torquemada; do not ask him for mercy
…Let’s face it, you can’t Torquemada anything!
Then as Torquemada I enter, sliding down a circular slide into view and begin to sing:
Torquemada: [singing]
The Inquisition, let’s begin
The Inquisition, look out sin
We have a mission
to convert the Jews
Chorus: Jew-ja-Jew-ja-Jew-ja-Jews
Torquemada:
We’re gonna teach them wrong from right
We’re gonna help them see the light
And make an offer that they can’t refuse
Chorus: That the Jews just can’t refuse!
Torquemada:
Confess
Don’t be boring
Say yes
Don’t be dull
A fact you’re ignoring
It’s better to lose your skullcap than your skull!
During the number, I actually had Ronny Graham and Jackie Mason hanging in chains from the dungeon walls. This is what they said:
First Jew （Ronny Graham）： [spoken]
I was sitting in a temple
I was minding my own business
I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass
Then these papist persons plunge in
And they throw me in a dungeon
And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass!
Is that considerate?
Is that polite?
And not a tube of Preparation H in sight!
Second Jew （Jackie Mason）： [spoken]
I’m sittin’， flickin’ chickens
and I’m looking through the pickin’s
and suddenly these goys break down my walls
I didn’t even know them
and they grabbed me by the scrotum
and they started playing ping-pong with my balls
Oy, the agony!
Ooh, the shame!
To make my privates public for a game!
Getting the shot of the chorus of nuns turned into Esther Williams–esque bathing beauties risen from the waters and smiling atop a giant menorah.
For my idea of ending the song in a big old-fashioned Hollywood spectacle, we needed a swimming pool in a big soundstage. There was only one and it was at Paramount Studios. So we moved to Paramount to film “The Inquisition.” In my mind I saw the famous MGM Esther Williams production numbers in which a line of beautiful dancers in bathing suits dive into the water one after the other. In “The Inquisition” I saw a line of nuns who drop their habits to reveal they’re all in tight-fitting bathing suits, and like in the Esther Williams production numbers, they peel off and one by one dive into the pool. To end the number in spectacular fashion, they rise again on the top of a huge menorah with sparks flying off their heads as human candles. Filming it was thrilling as well as hilarious.
* * *
—
The last section of history that I had a lot of fun with was the French Revolution. France, prior to 1789, was a progression of intolerable and despotic kings who became increasingly more remote from the people they were intended to govern. They constantly deferred to their “Divine Right” as rulers to keep their place on the throne. But history shows that there is no “Divine Right.” Being king came from being the biggest and the toughest guy on the block. God didn’t touch any of the Louises and say, “Rule France!”