Another tight-jawed nod.
“Finally, he asked whether what we had was worth your career.” Now they were getting to the hardest part, and she shut her eyes, allowing the darkness to ease the confession. “And I thought of your mom and your charity and Dina. All the people you support, and how important that support is to you, and how devastated you’d be when you had to stop paying them because you had no work and your money was gone. I thought of all the people who insult me, and how inevitable it was that they’d do it in front of you again. I thought about how you’d react to that and whether your career could survive yet another blowup in my defense.”
The memory of that moment left her dizzy and sick, and she blindly reached out for a rail or anything that could steady her on those steep, steep stairs—only to feel a broad, strong hand gripping hers tightly and another spread wide on her hip, bracing her against her own disorientation.
He wouldn’t let her fall. Even now, after what she’d done, he wouldn’t let her fall, and she had to swallow back a sob at the devastating sweetness of that.
“The thought of leaving you gutted me, Alex. G-gutted me.” Despite her best efforts, her voice broke, and tears slipped out from under her eyelids. “But I told myself I needed to be selfless, because your career was more important than my heart. More important than me.”
Another muffled roar rumbled through the night, and she bit her lip.
“So I decided your future for you. I left so you’d accept the job offer.” When she bowed her head, more tears dripped to the stairs below, unseen. “That wasn’t my right, and I’m so sorry.”
Her chest was hitching hard, and she tried to calm her breathing. Calm herself.
He finally spoke, his voice choked and rough, his hand still firm in hers. “You’ve explained and apologized. If you want my forgiveness, you have it. But if that’s the only reason you’re here—”
“It’s not. Maybe it should be, but it’s not.” She opened her eyes to meet his, allowing her tears to fall freely as she pled for her own future. Her own desires. Her own happiness. “I’m miserable without you, Alex. Absolutely desolate. And I can’t keep giving away pieces of myself, or there won’t be anything left. Not even my heart, because it’s yours now. All of it.”
His fingers clenched against her hip, his hold almost painful, and she welcomed it. Welcomed how his gaze turned open and bright with tears, welcomed the labored way he swallowed.
He was watching her with something like—wonder.
Like he’d wished on all those stars above and below them, and he’d wished for her.
“I love you. I love you.” Through a thick throat, she forced out what they both needed to hear. “And I’m important, which means what I want is important, and so is my love. If you choose me over your career and the future you could have had without me, so be it. That’s your decision, and if that’s the only way I can have you, it’s what I want too.”
From the dazed disbelief and affection in his expression, the softness of his mouth as he gazed at her, she knew the answer to her next question. But she had to ask anyway, because he deserved a voice, and she deserved the words.
“I’ve told you what happened that night and why. I’ve apologized. I’ve told you how I feel and what I want for myself.” She was clutching his hand so tightly, her fingers were going numb, but she didn’t care. If it were up to her, she’d never let him go again. “Now I need to know what you want.”
He licked his lips, and the sheen gleamed for only a moment before the overhead lights flickered out, leaving them in moonlit darkness.
Didn’t matter. She wasn’t moving anywhere anytime soon, unless he made her.
“I visited my mom this week,” he said slowly, his brow furrowed once more. “She told me exactly the same thing you did, that what happened to her wasn’t my fault. She also told me to stop sabotaging myself out of guilt. Which I hadn’t—I hadn’t realized I was doing. Not consciously.”
His hand trembled slightly, and she held it even harder.
“But she was right.” His lips quirked. “She’s always right. Much like you. It’s all extremely irritating and highly unfair.”
At that spark of quintessential Alex-ness, she had to smile.
“So now I’m trying to think things through a bit more carefully. With a future in mind. Because maybe I don’t deserve so much success, but I don’t not deserve it either. I work hard, and I haven’t done anything unforgivable. Which means …” He lifted a shoulder. “I’m going to attempt to get out of my own fucking way. Unless something is a matter of conscience and there’s no other way to deal with whatever the problem is, I’ll try not to blow up my life. For the sake of my mom and the charity and Dina, but also for me.”