Graham
P.S. I don’t know why I only vent about the stressful stuff. So much good has happened in the last couple of years. We bought a house with a big backyard and we spent the first two days christening every room. You got a promotion a few months ago. Now you only have to go into the office one or two days a week. You do most of the writing for the advertising firm from home, which you love. And we’ve talked about the possibility of me opening my own accounting firm. I’m working on a business plan for that. And Caroline gave us another niece.
All good things, Quinn.
So many good things.
* * *
Dear Quinn,
We’ve been trying.
Trying to have a baby. Trying to adopt a baby. Trying to pretend we’re okay. Trying to hide from each other when we cry.
It’s all our marriage has become. A whole lot of trying and not much succeeding.
I truly believed we could make it through all the Category 5s we faced, but I think this year has been a Category 6. As much as I hope I’m wrong and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I have a feeling we’ll be opening this box soon. Which is why I’m on a flight to your sister’s house right now as I write this letter. I’m still fighting for something I don’t even know that you still want me to fight for.
I know I failed you, Quinn. Maybe it was self-sabotage or maybe I’m not the man I thought I could be for you. Either way, I am so disappointed in myself. I love you so much more than my actions have shown and I could spend this whole letter telling you how sorry I am. I could write an entire novel that’s nothing more than an apology and it still wouldn’t detail my regret.
I don’t know why I did what I did. I can’t even explain it, even when I tried to tell you about it that night in the car. It’s hard to put into words because I’m still trying to process it. I didn’t do it because of some intense attraction I couldn’t fight. I didn’t do it because I missed having sex with you. And even though I tried to convince myself that I was doing it because she reminded me of you, I know how stupid that sounds. I never should have said that to you. You’re right, in a way it sounded like I was blaming you, and that was never my intention. You had nothing to do with what I did.
I don’t want to talk about it, but I need to. You can skip this part of the letter if you don’t want to read it, but I need to work through it and for some reason, writing about things in these letters always seems to help sort through my thoughts. I know I should be better at communicating them, but I know you don’t always want to hear them.
I think the way I’ve been feeling started during a moment I had at my sister’s house. I guess you could say it was an epiphany, but that sounds like such a positive word for what I was feeling. It was the day we were supposed to meet our new nephew, but you said you got stuck in traffic.
I know that was a lie, Quinn.
I know, because when I was leaving Caroline’s house, I saw the gift we bought her in the living room. Which means you had been there at some point during my visit, but for whatever reason, you didn’t want me to know.
I thought about it during my whole drive home after leaving her house. And the only thing I can think of that would make you not want to admit you were there is if you saw me standing in Caroline’s living room, holding Caleb. And if you saw that, you might have heard what Caroline said to me, and what I said to her in return. About how I was devastated I still hadn’t become a father yet. As much as I wish I could take that away, I can’t. But I do need you to know why I said it.
I couldn’t stop staring at him as I held him because he kind of looks like me. I had never held the girls when they were that young, so Caleb was the tiniest human I had ever held. And it made me wonder, had you been there, what would that have made you feel? Would you have been proud, seeing me with my nephew? Or would you have been disappointed that you would never see me holding a newborn of our own like that?
I think Caroline saw the look on my face while I was holding him and thought I was looking at him with such intensity because I wanted one of my own. But I was actually looking at him and wondering if you would continue to love me if I never became the one thing you wished I could be.
I know Caroline was merely complimenting me when she said I’d make a good father. But the reason I said I was devastated it still hadn’t happened yet is because I was devastated for you. For our future. Because it wasn’t until that moment that I realized I might never be enough for you.
Not long after that, I was walking out of my sister’s house and saw the gift and knew you had been there. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to confront you because I was afraid you might confirm my fears, so I drove around aimlessly. Later that night when I got home, you asked if I got to hold Caleb. I lied to you because I wanted to see your reaction to my lie. I was hoping maybe I was wrong and you weren’t actually at my sister’s house. Maybe the gift was from someone else and it was just similar to the one we had bought. But as soon as I saw your reaction, I knew you had been there.