“And why did you want to see me?”
Dr. Shim poured milk into my cup. “I’m very sorry for what you went through. I’ve been thinking for a while about how I can help you in some way.”
“What kind of help?”
“Well, I know we’ve just met, but is there anything you need or anything you want to ask?” he said, drumming his fingers on the table, which he’d been doing for a while. His habit, maybe, but it was getting annoying.
“Could you stop making that noise?”
Dr. Shim peered at me over the rim of his glasses and smiled.
“Have you heard of the story of Diogenes? You remind me of him. When Alexander the Great tells Diogenes to ask him for any favor, Diogenes asks the sovereign to move aside because his shadow is blocking the sun.”
“You don’t remind me of Alexander the Great, though.”
This time he burst out laughing. “Your mom talked a lot about you. She said you’re special.”
Special. I knew what she must’ve meant. Dr. Shim curled his fingers into a tight ball.
“I can stop the tapping for now, but it’s a habit of mine that’s a little difficult to quit. Anyway, what I meant was that I was actually hoping I could help with things more . . . regularly.”
“Regularly?”
“I could help you financially if you need some support.”
“Well, I have insurance money, so I’m good now.”
“Your mom often asked me to take care of you in case anything happened. We were quite close, you know. Your mom was the type of person who made everyone around her happy.”
I noticed he used the past tense.
“Have you seen her, at the hospital?”
Dr. Shim nodded, the corners of his mouth drooping a little. If he was sad for Mom, it might’ve made her feel good. That was one of the tips she’d given me. If somebody was sad for my sadness, then I should be happy. The principle that two negatives made a positive.
“Why do people call you Dr. Shim?”
“I was a doctor before, but not anymore.”
“What an interesting job transition.”
He laughed again. I realized that he always laughed when I said something even when I didn’t mean to be funny.
“Do you like books?” he asked.
“Yes. I used to help Mom at the bookstore before.”
“Okay, then here’s the deal. You continue to work at the bookstore. I’ll pay you monthly wages. I own this building, so you can save the insurance money for college or other important affairs and use this part-time job for your living expenses. I’ll handle all the complicated stuff if you let me.”
I told him I’d think about it, just like I had told the social worker. I had learned to respond to unusual offers by buying time first.
“Let me know if you have any problems. I’m a little surprised that I enjoyed our talk so much. Do your best to sell as many books as you can, might as well do a good job, right?”
“Were you her boyfriend?” I asked him when I was about to leave. His eyes widened, then narrowed.
“Interesting you thought of it that way. We were friends . . . very good friends,” he said, his grin slowly fading away.
22
After a few days, I decided to accept Dr. Shim’s offer. All in all, his suggestion didn’t seem to hurt me. My life went on with no more challenging situations. As Dr. Shim had suggested, I tried to increase sales and spent time every day researching bestselling used books and civil service exam guidebooks that were in good condition and buying copies. Some days when the weather was freezing, not a single customer came and therefore I wouldn’t say a single word. When I opened my mouth to drink water, my bad breath assailed my nostrils.
Inside a picture frame on the corner of the table, the three of us remained the same. The smiling mother and daughter, and the emotionless me. Sometimes I would get lost in a meaningless daydream, imagining that they had just gone on a trip somewhere. But I knew their trip would be never-ending. They had been my whole universe. But now that they were gone, I began to learn that there were others in this world. These other people entered my world gradually, one at a time. The first was Dr. Shim. He stopped by the bookstore every now and then, handing me bread or tapping me on the shoulder to say, Cheer up, when I didn’t really feel down.
When the sun set, I would go see Mom. She just lay still, like Sleeping Beauty. What would she want me to do? To stay by her side and flip her over every few hours? Probably not. She would want me to go to school. That would be the “normal” life for anyone my age. So I decided to return to school.