*
Dr. Shim always tried his best to answer my questions. He was also the only one who listened to me talk about my special relationship with Gon without any prejudice.
“Will I live like this my entire life, feeling nothing at all?” I asked after slurping down a bowl of udon. Dr. Shim bought me meals occasionally, and he seemed to like noodles. It was either bread or noodles. He swallowed the remaining pickled radish in his mouth and wiped his lips.
“That’s a hard question. But I’ll say this, the fact that you asked that question in the first place is in itself a big step. So let’s keep trying.”
“Trying what? You said there was an inherent problem with my brain. Mom fed me almonds every day, but it didn’t work.”
“Well, instead of eating almonds, I was thinking external stimulation might be worth a try. The human brain is actually dumber than you think it is.”
Dr. Shim said if I kept making up emotions, even if they were fake, my brain’s little almonds might perceive them as real, which might affect the size or activity of my amygdalae. Then maybe I would be able to read other people’s emotions a little easier.
“My brain has been still for the last fifteen years. How can it suddenly change now?”
“Let me give you an example. A person who has no talent for skating will probably not become the best skater even after practicing for months. A tone-deaf person won’t ever sing a perfect aria and get applause either. But with practice, you can at least stumble a step forward on the ice or manage to sing a measure of a song. That’s what practice can offer—miracles and also limitations.”
I slowly nodded. I understood him but I wasn’t convinced. Could that work even for me?
“When did you start asking yourself these questions?” he asked.
“A couple days ago.”
“Was there a specific reason or incident?”
“Well, no, I was thinking, like I hadn’t watched a movie that everybody else had watched. Of course I don’t mind, but if I watched that movie, then I’d have a few more things to talk about with people.”
“What an improvement! What you just said implies your willingness to communicate with others.”
“Maybe it’s a puberty thing.”
Dr. Shim laughed.
“While you’re at it, practice your emotions with something fun. You’re basically a blank canvas. Better to fill it up with good things rather than bad things.”
“I’ll try. I don’t know how but it’s better to try than do nothing.”
“It’s not always great when you understand emotions that you were once unaware of. Emotions are tricky business. You’ll suddenly see the world in a completely new light. Every little thing around you might feel like sharp weapons. A subtle expression or a few words could sting you. Think of a rock on the street. It doesn’t feel anything, and it never gets hurt either. A rock has no idea when people are kicking it. But imagine if it felt how many times it got kicked, stomped on, rolled, and worn down every day, how would it cope? I’m not sure if this makes any sense to you . . . what I’m trying to say is . . .”
“Oh, I understand. Mom used to tell me similar things. Though I know she was just trying to make me feel better. She was a very smart person, you know.”
“Most moms are smart.” Dr. Shim smiled.
“Can I ask you a question?” I asked after a beat.
“Of course. What do you want to know about?”
“Human relationships? I guess.”
Dr. Shim burst into laughter. He drew up his chair and put his arms on the table. First, I told him about the butterfly incident. As my story went on, Dr. Shim clenched his fists. But once I finished, his expression softened.
“So what do you want to know exactly? Why he reacted that way? Or what he must have felt?”
“Well, both, I guess.”
Dr. Shim nodded.
“It sounds like Gon wants to be friends with you.”
“Friends,” I repeated without meaning anything. “Do you tear up a butterfly if you want to become friends?”
“No, of course not,” he said, clasping his hands, “but it seems that killing the butterfly in front of you has really hurt his pride.”
“Why would he feel his pride was hurt? He’s the one who killed it.”
Dr. Shim let out a deep sigh. I quickly added, “I know it’s not easy to help me understand.”
“No, I was actually thinking about how I could put this more simply. So, it’s like this. Gon is very interested in you. He wants to get to know you, and he wants to feel what you feel. But after hearing your story, it seems like he was always the one initiating contact between you two. How about you initiate once in a while?”