“Let me just ask you this. Is this what you really want?” I asked quietly. But one of Gon’s things is cutting someone short. He kicked me hard in the side before I could finish my words. I was slammed into the window from the force of the kick. Glass cups next to me shattered on the floor.
There are kids who boast of how young they were when they started stealing and fooling around with girls, and what landed them in the juvenile center. They need such stories or tokens to be accepted into their gangs. Gon enduring the beatings from the other kids was perhaps a rite of passage in that sense. But to me, all those things were only proof of their weakness. It was a manifestation of their vulnerability because they longed for strength.
The Gon I knew was just an immature fifteen-year-old boy. A weak softie who just pretended to be strong.
“I said, is this what you really want?” I asked again. Gon was panting. “Because I don’t think it is.”
“Shut up.”
“I don’t think this is what you want, Gon.”
“I said, shut the fuck up.”
“You are not that kind of person.”
“Fuck,” he shouted, half crying. A nail on the wall must’ve pricked my leg, because it was bleeding. Gon saw and started weeping like a child. Yes, this was who he was. The kind of person who tears up at a drop of blood, who feels pain for others’ pain.
“I told you, you’re not that kind.”
Gon turned his back on me as he put up his elbows to cover his eyes, his body trembling.
“That’s you. That’s all you are,” I said.
“Good for you . . . Fucking good for you that you feel nothing. I wish I could be the same . . .” he mumbled through his cries.
“Let’s go.” I offered my hand. “Let’s get out of here.”
“You go, asshole. I don’t fucking know you.”
Gon had finally stopped crying and started cussing at me. As if this were his only way out. He cussed like a barking dog.
“Stop.” Steel Wire raised his hand to stop Gon. “No more childish drama in front of me, kids.” He turned to me. “Take him if you want. But you have to give me something in return. You guys have such a wonderful friendship, surely it must be worth something to you, right?” Steel Wire quietly rubbed his chin. I could see Gon’s face going pale. “So, what can you do, kid? For Gon?”
His voice was soft, his intonation rising pleasantly at the end of his sentence as he gave me a smile. I had been taught that was a gesture of kindness. But I knew he was by no means acting out of kindness.
“Anything,” I said.
Steel Wire’s eyes widened. He let out a low whistle as if he were surprised by my response.
“Anything?”
“Yes.”
“Even if you could die?”
“Fuck,” Gon said quietly. Steel Wire straightened, clearly amused.
“Okay, let’s see what you’ve got. I’m very curious how much you’re willing to take for this asshole.” Steel Wire smiled. “Don’t be hard on yourself if you can’t take it. It just proves you’re human.”
Gon shut his eyes tight as Steel Wire walked closer to me. I didn’t close my eyes. I looked straight at what would become of my reality.
71
People later asked me why I hadn’t run away. Why I’d stayed until the end. I told them I’d only done what was easiest for me, the only thing someone who can’t feel fear could do.
*
Like a fluorescent light flickering on and off, I slipped in and out of consciousness. When I came to, the intensity of pain was so strong. Strong enough to wonder why the human body was designed to endure so much of it. Painful enough to think it was unfair that I still hadn’t fully shut down.
I saw glimpses of Gon. Sometimes in a blur, sometimes clearly. My brain must’ve been in error. I saw how scared he was. Now I understood a little what it meant to be frightened. It was like desperately gasping for air in a place without oxygen. That was how Gon was looking at me.
Gon’s face turned blurry. I thought my sight had become fuzzy, but it hadn’t. Gon’s face was smudged with tears. He was wailing. Stop, please stop. Hurt me instead. His shout seemed endless. I wanted to shake my head to tell him that he didn’t have to say that, but I was already worn out.
72
The memory flashed into my mind. The day when Gon had torn off the butterfly’s wings, when he’d tried to teach me empathy but couldn’t. Around dusk that day, Gon cleaned the remains of the butterfly smeared on the ground, crying all the while.