She opened his door. He rose to his feet, took her in his arms, Don’t say a word Regan, kissed her, she shoved him away, You’re a pig, men are trash, it’s over.
She opened his door. He waited, she slid into bed with him, Aldo, Regan, they kissed, he slid his hand under the exquisite softness of her matching pajama shorts to find the exquisite softness of her skin, he parted her legs and she sighed, I want this, Do you want this?, Yes, I do, I really fucking do, she was gone in the morning, Can you drive me back?, back to her apartment, back to her boyfriend, back to her life, It was fun for a minute, Aldo, but now it’s over.
She opened his door, he hurried to say, Not now, not tonight but definitely someday if you want me, she laughed in his face, Why would I ever choose you over him, over all of this, over anything?, still she fucked him with vengeful glee, with spiteful relish, she dug her fingers into his throat while she came, she tasted like cocktail bitters, You’re an idiot, Aldo, it’s over.
She opened his door, everything went wrong, he died in his sleep, it’s over.
She opened his door, everything went right, he died in her arms, it’s over.
She opened his door,
She opened his door,
She opened his door,
“Aldo,” she said, and he snapped out of his reverie, glancing at her. Her eyes were still closed.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for driving.”
This, he realized with defeat, it’s the getaway car. It’s already done.
“You’re welcome.”
“I’m sorry I—” She stopped, eyes opening for a moment, and then she curled into a tighter ball around herself, closing them again. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” he said, and then, hoping she wouldn’t ask him to explain, “I’m sorry, too.”
She said nothing.
“Am I,” he began, and trailed off. “Are we—？”
“I don’t think we should see each other for a while,” she confirmed.
His chest cracked open, spliced in half, and sealed shut.
He exhaled.
“A while?”
“Yeah, a while.”
She opened his door and it was already over before she even walked in. He’d run it enough times to know. That moment would never have changed anything.
He presented his findings internally, and something heedless and desperate rejected them.
“Are you asking me to leave,” he said, “or to wait?”
Her eyes opened. She stared blankly at the road.
“I don’t know,” she said.
She didn’t close her eyes. He didn’t reply.
Neither of them spoke again.
* * *
IT DIDN’T FEEL THE WAY SHE THOUGHT it would. Not like it had in the past. This time it was more like live wire, electricity in her bones, catching fire. You and me together, you-and-me-together, you and me. It was a thought that woke her from slumber, like inspiration or a stomachache. It was a notion that could not be doused, couldn’t be extinguished, except by the motion of her brush. She was painting to quiet her thoughts, the way they scribbled themselves in her mind, leaping and darting like insects, alighting on different planes.
Something is wrong, she thought, something is right. Something is definitely wrong but the something right is bigger, somehow, closer to truth. Wrong the way truth is when it’s right.
“Have you been taking your pills?”
“No,” Regan said, and the psychiatrist looked up, startled.
“Charlotte.”
“I’m joking,” she said, soothing her with a smile, and the doctor frowned.
“Charlotte, if there’s something you’d like to discuss—”
“I’m fine,” she said.
The doctor’s eyes narrowed, doubtful.
Then, diplomatically, “You never told me how your weekend with your family went.”
“Not well,” Regan said. “My parents didn’t like the friend I brought with me.”
“The friend?”
“Yes, a friend.” You and me, you and me, you and me, Aldo, Aldo, Rinaldo, I am more addicted to the thought of your name on my tongue than I am to any other form of vice. The thought of having you is more dangerous than any cocktail of drugs, the idea of belonging to you endlessly destructive. “He’s a theoretical mathematician, one of those lost-in-his-head types. My mother thought he was rude.”
“And your father?”
“Usually agrees with my mother.”
“What about your sister?”
I like him, Madeline had said, murmuring it in Regan’s ear and giving her arm a squeeze as she passed, saying nothing else.