Eyes yet bright, Aodhan gave a slow nod. “No, you’re right. I can’t see either of us being happy in any other court. Is it arrogant to say that Raphael and Dmitri and Naasir and Jason are like family now?”
“Not when it’s the truth.” It was Raphael who’d taught Illium how to raise a sword, Dmitri who’d tutored him in strategy, Naasir who’d shown him the wild places in the Refuge and taught him the value of stealth.
Jason was different; quieter, more distant, but he was also the one who’d passed on advice about the motives of certain people in the Refuge. He’d also made sure Illium knew to protect his mother from the attentions of those who’d take advantage of her generous soul and fragmented mind.
The four had mentored Aodhan nearly as much. And not only because he and Illium were always together. No, it was because Aodhan had scholars for parents. Menerva and Rukiel’d had no idea what to do with a son so powerful.
“Family isn’t only blood,” Illium added. “Dmitri and Raphael are each other’s family, too.”
Aodhan gave him a thoughtful look. “Are we family?”
The answer should’ve been easy, but Illium hesitated. “No,” he said at last. “We’re beyond that.”
Aodhan nodded, his expression suddenly solemn. “Yes.”
27
Today
Illium was already putting together a sandwich in the stronghold kitchen by the time Aodhan made it there. No sign of Kai. When Aodhan touched his mind to Li Wei’s, she told him that the staff was in another wing, closing it up room by room. But they’d be in the kitchen in five to ten minutes, for their lunch.
Damn.
Shelving his discussion with Illium for now, Aodhan made his own sandwich, then the two of them ate standing up. Neither one of them had to be reminded to use high-energy items, but Aodhan ignored the Medjool dates that Illium snacked on, instead choosing a handful of dried fruit.
“Still hate dates?” Illium asked, no anger in him at that instant.
“Hate is a strong word. Despise beyond bearing would be better.”
A grin that hit Aodhan right in the gut, it was so familiar. “There’s chocolate in my backpack. I can get you some.”
Aodhan smiled, went to answer . . . and it hit him then. His willingness to fall right back into the uneven relationship that had been so easy—and a cowardice. It had nothing to do with the offer of chocolate and everything to do with how quickly he was willing to turn his face from all that he wanted to change between them, how ready he was to forget the difficult conversations they needed to have, just to keep that smile on Illium’s face.
Stepping back without thought, he said, “No, the fruit is fine.”
Grin erased, Illium finished a glass of water and said, “If you’re ready.”
Aodhan wanted to kick himself for his panicked reaction—because it had been panic. This past year, he’d convinced himself he was growing, becoming stronger, more who he would’ve been had an act of suffocating evil not derailed his life. But that was before his greatest temptation landed in the territory.
Illium, so bright and charismatic and generous.
Illium, so sure of what he wanted in life.
Illium, so easy to follow.
And follow him Aodhan had. Nearly all his life.
“Illium.” He lifted a hand, dropped it when Illium went motionless. “That wasn’t—”
“No explanations necessary.” A small meaningless smile. “My fault. We agreed to treat each other like squadron mates on a task. I’m the one who keeps overstepping.”
No, Aodhan wanted to yell, I didn’t agree to any such thing! We’ve never been anything so mundane, have always been more. Yet how could he say that, how could he demand more than this strained silence between them without falling into the gravitational force that was Illium?
If he fell, he’d remain stuck in amber. That was his greatest fear: that his dependence on Illium would leave him frozen in time, while his extraordinary friend grew and changed until he was a star Aodhan couldn’t touch.
He said none of that. He wasn’t quicksilver like his best friend. He needed time to think, to get his thoughts in order. And he could hear the faint murmur of voices in the distance as Li Wei and her team headed to the kitchen.
The idea of coming face-to-face with Kai when he felt rubbed raw turned his tone flat and curt as he said, “Let’s go.”
* * *
*
Illium was glad of their short time in the air after that ugly moment in the kitchen when Aodhan had taken a physical step back from him. Illium had seen Suyin touch Aodhan this morning, so it wasn’t as if Aodhan’s trauma had reared its horrific head, his friend fighting the dark.