‘Oi, perve,’ Ravi grinned across the sofa. ‘What are you staring at?’
‘Nothing.’ She shrugged, not looking away.
‘What does perve actually mean?’ Josh’s small voice chirped up from the rug, where he was assembling some unidentifiable shape out of Lego. ‘Someone called me that on Fortnite. Is it worse than, you know, the F-word?’
Pip snorted, watching Ravi’s face unroll into panic, his lips pursed, eyebrows disappearing beneath his hair. He checked over his shoulder towards the kitchen door, where Pip’s parents were clattering about, clearing up the dinner she and Ravi had made.
‘Um, no, it’s not that bad,’ he said as casually as he could. ‘Maybe don’t say it though, yeah? Especially not in front of your mum.’
‘But what do perves do?’ Josh stared up at Ravi, and for a fleeting moment, Pip wondered whether Josh knew exactly what he was doing, enjoying watching Ravi squirm on the spot.
‘They, um…’ Ravi broke off. ‘They watch people, in a creepy way.’
‘Oh.’ Josh nodded, seeming to accept the explanation. ‘Like the guy that’s been watching our house?’
‘Yes, wait… no,’ said Ravi. ‘There isn’t a perve watching your house.’ He glanced to Pip for help.
‘Can’t help you,’ Pip whispered back with a smirk. ‘Dug your own grave.’
‘Thanks, Pippus Maximus.’
‘Yeah, can we actually retire that new nickname?’ she said, launching a cushion at him. ‘Not a fan. Can we go back to just Sarge? I like Sarge.’
‘I call her Hippo Pippo.’ Josh again. ‘She also hates that one.’
‘But it suits you so well,’ Ravi said, prodding her in the ribs with his toes. ‘You are the maximum amount of Pipness that any Pip could be. The Ultra-Pip. I’m going to introduce you to my family this weekend as Pippus Maximus.’
She rolled her eyes and jabbed him back with her toe, in a place that made him squeal.
‘Pip’s already met your family loads of times.’ Josh looked up, confused. He seemed to be going through a new pre-eleven stage, where he had to insert himself into every single conversation going on in the house. Even had an opinion on tampons yesterday.
‘Ah, this is the extended family, Josh. Much more scary. Cousins and even, dare I say it, the aunties,’ he said dramatically, haunting the word with his waggling fingers.
‘That’s OK,’ Pip said. ‘I’m well prepared. Just got to read over my spreadsheet a couple more times and I’ll be fine.’
‘And also it’s… wait,’ Ravi stalled, eyebrows eclipsing his eyes. ‘What did you just say? Did you just say spreadsheet?’
‘Y-yeah,’ she shifted, cheeks growing warm. She hadn’t intended to tell him about that. Ravi’s favourite hobby in the whole world was winding her up, she didn’t need to give him any more ammunition. ‘It’s nothing.’
‘No, it’s not. What spreadsheet?’ He sat up straight. If his smile were any wider it might actually split his face.
‘Nothing.’ She crossed her arms.
He darted forward before she could defend herself, got her right in the place she was most ticklish: where her neck met her shoulder.
‘Ow, stop,’ Pip laughed; she couldn’t help it. ‘Ravi, stop. I have a headache.’
‘Tell me about the spreadsheet, then,’ he said, refusing to relent.
‘Fine,’ she choked breathlessly, and finally Ravi stopped. ‘It’s… I’ve just been making a spreadsheet, to keep a record of the things you’ve told me about your family. Just little details, so I remember. And so when I meet them, they might, you know, like me.’ She refused to look at his face, knowing what expression would await her there.
‘Details like what?’ he said, voice brimming with hardly contained amusement.
‘Things like, um… oh, your auntie Priya – who is your mum’s younger sister – she also really likes true crime documentaries, so it would be good to talk to her about those. And your cousin Deeva, she’s really into running and fitness, if I’m remembering right.’ She hugged her knees. ‘Oh, and your auntie Zara won’t like me no matter what I try, so not to get too disappointed by that.’
‘It’s true,’ Ravi laughed. ‘She hates everybody.’
‘I know, you said.’
He studied her for a lingering moment, the laugh playing silently across his face. ‘I can’t believe you’ve been secretly taking notes.’ And in one fluid movement, Ravi stood up, scooped his arms under her and lifted her up. He swung her about while she protested, saying, ‘Under that big, tough exterior we’ve got ourselves a cute little weirdo over here.’