I focused on his receding hairline, not ready to see what was in his eyes. My heart beat a thousand times a minute. I simultaneously couldn’t believe he was here and prayed Bear wouldn’t wake up for a glass of water.
“It’s not?” I drawled.
“It’s time I face my responsibilities. As I lay in a hospital bed two weeks ago with no one around me, I realized I’d been missing the point of life all along. I want to be with my family. With my aging parents. To establish roots, find a purpose, spend holidays and vacations with the ones who matter. I want to play ball with my son.”
“He hates football,” I pointed out, relishing the fact Rob’s and Bear’s personalities were about as different as could be.
“What’s he into?” he asked, his throat clogging around the question.
The need to wind him up and say cemeteries and animal sacrifice was strong in that moment. But I pursed my lips.
I wasn’t playing that game.
“Heard he looks just like me,” Rob continued. “Tall, dark hair. Handsome.”
I gave a modest shrug. “You just described half the population of North America.”
His eyes lit up with hope, and something inside me loosened. As a young woman, I’d dreamed of this moment. Of Rob showing up and reclaiming Bear and me as his. Saving the day.
But the years had dulled whatever optimism I still had left in me, and now I was all out of expectations when it came to the human race.
Men, specifically.
And even more specifically—Rob.
Selfishly, I admitted to myself that it wasn’t fair. That Rob didn’t get to just walk into the movie on the third act, so close to the resolution, and become a part of the happy ending.
He had missed all the awful parts.
The sleepless nights, the colicky newborn, the teething, and all the checkups. The urgent care visits, the ear tubes, boo-boos that needed to be kissed, and stories that had to be read, and ABC’s that had to be learned.
He wasn’t there to teach his son how to ride a bike, or to skateboard, or to angle his penis down when he peed （this, I especially held a grudge for）。 How to fish, how to hang a picture on a wall, how to be a man.
A ball of tears blocked my throat.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
“No.”
I heard the chill in my voice, and it scared me that it came from me. But how else could I respond? The man ruined me, my life, my hopes, and my dreams. True, he gave me my most precious gift—our son—but that was very accidental.
He bit down on his lower lip, staring at his shoes like a punished kid.
“I’d really like to make this work.”
“Make what work?”
“I want to see him, Nessy. My son.”
“He has a name.”
He closed his eyes, agony painting his too-familiar features.
“His name is Bear,” I said.
“I know.”
“It’s a weird name, don’t you think?” I taunted, not exactly sure where I was going with this, but wanting to inflict as much pain as possible on him.
Rob looked up, pulling dead skin from the lip he bit on just a second ago with his teeth.
“I don’t think I have the right to pass judgment. I wasn’t there to name him.”
“Dang straight, you weren’t.”
The fact that he was so pliant, so readily apologetic, took the sting out of my need to be rude to him. Some of it.
He raked his fingers through his hair.
“Look, Nessy, I know I messed up, and I know the best way to show you I mean business now is to prove to you, over time, how much I’ve changed. The last couple years really did shift something in me. Countless times I wanted to reach out as the years passed …” He took a breath, shaking his head. “Well, anyway. I’m working for my dad now, right here in town. He has this realty business. I got a house just down the street from you, so you can holler at me if you need anything at all. Here’s my number.”
He handed me a business card. I took it and shoved it into my pajama pockets without looking, breathing through my nose to avoid tears. Rob hung around on the porch, looking a little hesitant and a lot wary.
“What is it?” I rolled my eyes. “I know you want to say something else.”
“Well…this may be too soon, but…”
“What?”
I searched his face, and realized that even though he looked familiar, he was also unrecognizable. A man. A total stranger, who now looked at me, his expression full of angst, and didn’t resemble one bit the boy I’d once dated.