Jay thought my smile was about him, and he moved in a bit closer. Touched his lips to mine softly. He tasted of grapefruit and sunshine and money. Not at all like that salty, desperate, hungry soldier I once snuck into my bedroom.
I kissed him back. But I was thinking about Tom, about what I might tell Tom later about this moment, about the way Tom’s face might look when he realized that I, too, could be unfaithful. When he realized that I could feel something for another man.
The only problem was, I felt absolutely nothing.
I pushed my mouth against Jay’s harder, wanting so desperately to feel something. But I could not summon that thrill I’d had as a girl in Louisville. My blood ran through my veins icy cold; my heart ticked along slowly. Every bit of that girl I’d been once, she truly was gone. Life with Tom had ruined me, made me numb and unfeeling.
I pulled back. Jay’s eyes were wide, his cheeks ruddy. “Jay…” I shook my head. I felt certain now. “We can’t relive the past. It’s gone.”
“We can,” he insisted. He tried to pull me closer, but I pulled back again. “Daisy.” Jay’s voice sounded higher, more desperate. He grabbed my shoulders roughly. “I’ll give you everything you’ve ever wanted.”
But what did I want, exactly? Not his life, parties all summer long. I longed for quiet. The monotony of a permanent and steady home for Pammy, a world that wasn’t ever-changing, that felt sure and solid beneath my feet. I no longer dreamed of anything gay or romantic. I only wanted certainty.
Suddenly Nick walked back in, and Jay let go of me. I stumbled back a little and Nick stared at me; his eyes widened, almost frightened. Oh, I must look a mess. I grabbed my bag and got a handkerchief to wipe my face.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Nick said quietly. What a thing for a man to say in his own house. Though I supposed it served him right for setting me up this way.
“I need to be getting home anyway.” I kept my voice light and avoided Jay’s eyes.
“Don’t leave yet,” Jay said, his words stretching out, desperately. “Walk next door and see my house first. Let me show you everything I have.”
I glanced out the window. The sun was shining now, but Ferdie still hadn’t returned. I really should’ve driven myself. I sighed. I supposed I had no escape.
Jay grabbed my hand. “I won’t take no for an answer,” he said.
“Only if Nick comes with us,” I relented. Having my cousin there would at least keep the rest of this afternoon innocent enough. Old friends, catching up. Nothing more.
* * *
LATER THAT NIGHT, I lay in bed in the darkness all alone. Tom was god knows where. When I closed my eyes, I could see the woman’s face from the photographs Jay had shown me earlier. Her round cheeks and her soft curls, the voluptuous curve of her bosom, and the hint of wrinkles at the corners of her eyes.
Jay had given me a tour of his giant house, top to bottom, from his voluminous library to his sweeping bedroom, to his houseguest playing piano. Then he had begged me to dance with him. Just like in Louisville, he’d exclaimed, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward him.
But he was wrong. Nothing now was what it once was in Louisville. Time hadn’t stopped or stood still. It had moved forward and wrecked me. Until almost five years had passed and seeing Jay again had made me realize one thing and one thing only: I was merely a shell of that girl I once was.
Every single day living with Tom, living in this mansion or that one, had begun to feel like an eternity. Each betrayal stripped me again and again, peeling back another layer of my skin. I alternated between feeling raw and feeling numb. And then, here I was again, alone tonight and picturing her, that voluptuous woman in the photographs. On the telephone, she was a phantom. But now, she was a real, bona fide woman. What did she have that I didn’t?
I threw the covers back and got out of bed. I walked down the hall and peeked into Pammy’s room. She was sound asleep in her little bed, exactly where I’d left her a few hours earlier, her plump toddler cheeks puffing slowly in and out as she sucked on her thumb. She was so beautiful and so innocent, and my chest ached watching her sleep now.
I’d wanted East Egg to be our home, our permanent home. I’d wanted Pammy to grow up and run across the grass to the water, to ride a pony, and go to school, but what then? Attend parties? Meet a rich man who would treat her the way her father had treated me? No, I didn’t want that for her at all.
I shut her door quietly so as not to wake her and wandered down the stairs. The entire first floor was dark and quiet, and I walked into Tom’s study. There was a large window behind his desk that looked out onto the sound. I pulled back the curtains and stared at the green light that illuminated the end point of our dock. It burned brightly, close enough that Tom’s entire study glowed green. It was the same green light Jay had shown me earlier from his own window—only from here it was much closer, brighter, hotter. I looked past the light, across the sound. Jay was having yet another party, and his house was twinkling with a thousand lights, yellow and gold, swimming like the fireflies Rose and I used to chase by the river as girls. I remembered now how I’d capture them in glass jars, just to watch them glimmer for a little while, until Rose always made me let them go. Oh, Rose.