The drama in your house, it’s unreal. Alice was leaning against the wall, watching him roll the cigarette. Did Simon tell you that? she asked. He sealed the paper with the wet of his tongue and tapped it shut. Yeah, he said. Why, what did she tell you? Watching him light his cigarette, Alice answered: She just said it was a mistake. But she didn’t really go into details. I could see she was upset, I didn’t want to press her. Glancing
down at her fingernails, she added: She says he’s impossible to talk to. She thinks he grew up in an emotionally repressive family, and he’s fucked up. He can’t say what he needs. Felix started laughing, coughing. Jesus, he said. That’s harsh. I wouldn’t have said he was fucked up. I like him. I actually tried it on with him a little bit while he was out here, and he started talking about how you’re his great friend and he looks up to you so much. He was tempted, though, I could tell. I was on the point of being like, relax, she’s cool with it. Alice was laughing then too. God, he’s such a lamb, she said. Do you think he has low self-esteem? Felix frowned and answered: No. He might be losing the will to live a bit. But low self-esteem, I don’t think so. And he’s not that much of a lamb either. He’s like yourself. His self-esteem is alright, he just fucking hates his life. Alice was smiling, brushing crumbs off the skirt of her dress. I don’t hate my life, she replied.
Felix breathed out a cloud of smoke and dispersed it idly with his hand. You told me you did, he said. Last time we went outside for a cigarette together. Do you remember?
Before we went to Rome. You were smoking yourself that time. She tucked her hair behind her ears, embarrassed. Oh yes, she said. Did I say I hated my life? Felix said he was pretty sure. Well, maybe I did then, she replied. But I don’t now. He said nothing, looking down at his hand as he smoked. Then he said: Here, look what happened me at work today. He held out the hand and showed her the deep horizontal wound running under the knuckle of his smallest finger. The cut itself was darker now, healing over, while the surrounding skin was red and inflamed. Wincing, Alice clutched her face.
Felix moved his hand around, as if to examine the wound from different angles. I didn’t even notice it until it started bleeding everywhere, he said. He looked up at her, saw her face and added: Shit like that happens all the time in there, it didn’t hurt that much or anything. She took his hand without speaking and lifted it against her cheek. He gave an
uncertain kind of laugh. Ah, you’re very soft, he said. It’s just a scrape, I shouldn’t have even showed it to you.
Does it hurt now? she asked.
No, not really. Washing my hands it stings a bit.
It’s not fair, Alice said.
You think everything is unfair.
The back door behind them opened then, and Alice let Felix’s hand fall away from her cheek, though she still held it in hers. After a moment, another man came down onto the grass nearby. He was tall, with reddish fair hair, wearing a close-fitting patterned shirt.
Seeing them, he started to laugh, and Felix said nothing.
Am I interrupting something? said the man.
Not to worry, Felix said. Didn’t know you were here.
The man removed a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and began lighting one. This must be the new girlfriend, he said. Alice, isn’t it? They were just talking about you in there. Someone got up an article about you online.
She looked at Felix, but he did not return her eye contact. Oh dear, she said.
You have some big fans out there on the internet, the man added.
Yes, I believe so, she replied. Also a lot of people who hate me and wish me ill.
The man seemed to accept this neutrally. Didn’t see any of those, he said, but I suppose everyone has them. How’s things with you, Felix?
Can’t complain.
How’d you land yourself a famous girlfriend?
Tinder, he said.
The man exhaled a stream of smoke. Yeah? I’m on there all the time, never see anyone famous. Are you going to introduce us or what?
Alice glanced uncertainly at Felix, who looked perfectly relaxed.
Alice, that’s my brother there, he said. Damian. You don’t have to shake his hand or anything, you can just nod at him from a distance.
She looked back over at the man with some surprise. Oh, it’s good to meet you, she said. You don’t look anything alike.
He smiled back at her. I’ll take that as a compliment, he said. I heard you were in Rome together there a few weeks ago, is that right? You must have swept him off his feet, Alice. He wouldn’t usually be the type for romantic mini-breaks.