It was eleven p.m. by then, and Jack was the last to leave. He was always the last to leave. Every day he walked to my house from the Kilns, and we worked or wandered into town.
“Today I bought fireworks for Guy Fawkes Day,” I said. “So don’t hoard any more or the boys will have enough to destroy your whole back forest.”
“I’ll tell Warnie,” he said. “He’s the one who stockpiles them. Oh! Has he told you? He’s reading your husband’s book, Monster Midway.”
I laughed and rested my head on his shoulder. “I believe you’re my husband.”
“Indeed I am.” Jack patted my knee.
I paused before delving into the subject I had held tight until all the guests had gone. “Jack, these days and nights have been some of the most treasured of my life. The dinner parties and friends. The conversation. I almost feel like I’ve made a life here.”
He turned to me, his cigarette almost to the filter. He dropped it to the ground and crushed it beneath his shoe. “But?”
“There’s talk about me. About us.”
“What kind of talk?”
“Can’t you imagine, Jack? The Oxford don who comes to the divorced woman’s house until late at night, every night. People gossip.” I paused. “Kay told me that Tollers is afraid of what Cambridge will think when they get wind of it. We appear inappropriate.”
He attempted a laugh but it didn’t work, so instead he quoted another sonnet. “‘Would smile contempt, and in the brazen noon.’” He paused after the line when I didn’t laugh or reply. “Since when have you started to care about what others think is inappropriate?”
“I care, Jack.”
“Would you like me to not come round as much? Because I couldn’t bear that.”
I’d worn my hair down for the night, and it fell over my shoulders. The wind fluttered through and whipped it into my eyes as I spoke. “No, but I’d like to stop being your little secret. We’re married. I know not in the eyes of God. I know not in the eyes of eros, you’d say.” I stood then and looked down to him. “But we are married. And no one knows.” Tears rose in my eyes, ones I’d held back for so long. “I feel as if you’re ashamed of me. That you like to keep our friendship in this little cardboard box where only we and a few others have access.”
“Joy, I have brought you into my life fully. I have introduced you to Oxford and Cambridge. I’m with you every day.” His face fell with sorrow. “There isn’t an area I have hidden from you.”
“Do I embarrass you?”
Jack stood to face me. “You don’t believe that, do you?”
“I no longer know what to believe about us.”
“If you don’t want me to stop coming round, what is it? Would you like me to tell everyone that we had a civil marriage so you could stay in the country? I told my very dearest friend Arthur in Ireland.”
I held my hand to stop his defenses. “I just ruined the night,” I said. “I’m sorry. I’m tired, and probably not making much sense. My old insecurities are rising. But keeping our marriage a secret feels clandestine and dirty. And dismissive.”
“Joy.” He took two steps closer to me, the aroma of the common room at the Kilns, cigarette smoke, and autumn air of crushed leaves engulfing me. He took my hands and pressed them to his chest as if it were something he’d done a million times before, not this, the first time.
“Would you and the boys like to move into the Kilns then?”
“Pardon?”
Had I heard him right? Had he just asked us to move in? Not a vacation, not a holiday or a feast, but to move. Were the wine and moonlight playing tricks? Were we another Janie and Maureen?
“I’ve been puzzling it out, and you’ve made me see that it’s time to stop merely thinking about it. It’s time to do it. We will make a life there, Joy. There won’t be any more gossip, and I’ll tell everyone that we’ve married.”
“But not in the eyes of the church, and not in flesh?”
“The church will never allow it.”
“King Edward abdicated the throne to marry Wallis Simpson, the love of his life. But that doesn’t happen much—a love grand enough to defy the strict rules that make little sense.” I paused. “Here I am, a terrible divorcée just as she was.”
“No.” The pain in his voice made me look up, and I watched his face crumple. He swiftly brought my hands to his lips.