Still. A thought comes creeping in, persists. What if it’s no accident that she and Tom crossed paths again this week? If Ruby had gone back to that rocky beach a week ago, or a week before that, would she have found this man already there, looking out over the water, just as she herself had done that morning? What if Tom had been there well before she came along, and she was simply the one to discover the damage he’d left behind?
What if. What if. What if.
What if Tom was always there, in that nice spot by the river, waiting to see what happened next.
She won’t ever think of her foot cracking down on something round and black, the shattering of the plastic lens cap I lost when I was making my way down to the river, with the Leica tucked under my jacket to protect it from the rain. In my haste, I never even noticed when the cap dislodged and fell to the ground.
With so much that has happened since that morning, Ruby has long forgotten her prayer to the god of lost things. Which means she’ll never realise I accidentally told her about the camera, right from the beginning.
No matter.
She has a bigger realisation waiting for her. She really is almost there.
TWENTY-TWO
WHEN RUBY IS BUZZED UP TO SUE’S APARTMENT, LENNIE IS already seated in the kitchen chopping vegetables, sharp metal perilously close to her fingertips each time she brings down the blade.
‘Don’t disappear on us again,’ Sue had gently scolded when she opened the door, but Lennie is less subtle when Ruby walks into the room.
‘Where the fuck did you go, Ruby?’
‘I’m sorry,’ Ruby says, feeling her eyes start to water. ‘I had some things to figure out on my own.’
The two women had responded to her SOS text within minutes; before she knew it, she was on her way to their Brooklyn apartment building for the first time, comfort and a home-cooked meal beckoning.
Something weird has happened. I need to talk to you both.
That was the message Ruby had sent, after going over Tom’s comments again and again. Feeling as if she might go crazy in her small room, she had reached out with her heart in her throat. To find Sue and Lennie still open to her was a relief, cool air rushing into a stifling room.
Taking a seat next to Lennie now, Ruby watches as Sue silently adjusts Lennie’s grip on the knife handle before returning to her own chopping and dicing. The casual intimacy of this gesture is maternal, beautiful, though neither of her friends seem to give it a second thought. Ruby stares into the wine glass Sue had ready and waiting for her when she walked into the room. Thinking that perhaps the best friendships are like this. Quiet and certain. She wonders at how long it’s taken for her to contemplate this notion. That being seen and known is better for you than being someone’s enduring mystery.
I don’t understand you sometimes! Ruby would need more fingers and toes to count the many times Ash has directed this sentiment at her.
She opens her mouth, wonders where to start with her story about Tom, when Lennie turns to face her.
‘So. Josh. You talked to him yet?’
It is almost a relief to push Tom to the back of her mind, even for a minute, and focus on something she might actually have the words for.
‘There is something I never told you about why I came to New York,’ Ruby says nervously, as Sue stops her chopping and dicing. Lennie is already demonstrably holding her breath.
‘I left because I was having an affair. With a guy—Ash—who’s getting married later this year. I’ve been the other woman for so long, and it’s horrible to wait for a person to choose you, and when Josh said he was still married, I saw all of that starting over again …’
The rest comes out in a rush, the heartache and embarrassment and loneliness that followed her from Melbourne to New York, and before she can stop herself, Ruby is crying, causing Lennie to jump up from her chair, wrap her in a fierce hug.
‘It all makes sense now,’ Lennie says, her own voice cracking. ‘I knew something was up with you! I just wish you’d told us sooner.’ ‘Agreed,’ Sue adds, massaging her fingers through her cropped hair, a gesture Ruby now recognises as an attempt to gather her thoughts before speaking.
‘I’m very glad you told us, Ruby. And you’ll get no judgement from me on how or who you choose to love.
‘As for Josh,’ she continues, ‘you should know it’s not the same situation. He’s been separated for a while now. I tell him all the time to hurry up with the divorce papers, but he’s such a procrastinator when it comes to his personal life. We had hoped’—Sue looks at Lennie, who nods emphatically—‘that you might be a catalyst for him to finally get moving in a new direction. You’re basically all he talks about.’