He gives her a shake. ‘Nope, that’s wrong. Try again. Next line.’
‘You’re sure of a big surprise?’ She’s still gasping but looks a little less likely to collapse.
‘Right. Now let’s do it together. And don’t talk it, sing it. If you go down to the woods today …’
She joins him. ‘You’re sure of a big surprise. If you go down to the woods today you better go in disguise.’ She pulls in a deep breath and lets it out in a series of jerks: huh … huh … huh. ‘Need to sit down.’
‘Before you fall down,’ Billy agrees. He still has her hand. He leads her to the chair by the window, the drape now drawn.
She sits, looks up at him, brushes her newly blonde hair off her forehead. ‘I tried in my room and it didn’t work. Why did it work now?’
‘You needed someone to duet with.’ Billy sits on the edge of the bed. ‘What was it? Bad dream?’
‘Horrible. One of those boys … those men … was stuffing a dishrag in my mouth. To make me stop yelling. Or maybe I was screaming. I think it was Jack. I couldn’t breathe. I was sure I was going to choke to death.’
‘Did they do that?’
Alice shakes her head. ‘I don’t remember.’
But Billy knows they did, and she does, too. He has experienced this sort of thing himself, although not as badly or as often as some. He didn’t keep up with the jars he knew in Iraq – Johnny Capps was the exception – but there are websites and sometimes he checks them out.
‘It’s natural, how the minds of combat survivors deal with the trauma. Or try to.’
‘Is that what I am? A combat survivor?’
‘That’s what you are. The song may not work every time. A wet cloth across your face may not work every time. There are other tricks to getting through panic attacks, you can read about them on the Internet. Sometimes, though, you just have to wait it out.’
‘I thought I was better,’ Alice whispers.
‘You are. But you’re also under stress.’ And I put you there, Billy thinks.
‘Can I stay here tonight? With you?’
He almost tells her no, then looks at her pale pleading face and thinks again, I put you there.
‘Okay.’ He wishes he was wearing more than just a pair of loose boxers, but they will have to do.
She gets in and he gets in next to her. They lie on their backs. The bed is narrow and their hips touch. He looks up at the ceiling and thinks, I am not going to get an erection. Which is like telling a dog not to chase a cat. Their legs are also touching. Hers is warm and firm through the cotton. He hasn’t been with a woman since Phil and he doesn’t want to be with this one, but oh God.
‘Can I help you?’ Her voice is quiet but not timid. ‘I can’t make love to you … you know, the real way … but I could help you. I’d be glad to help you.’
‘No, Alice. Thank you, but no.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’
‘All right.’ She rolls on her side, away from him and toward the wall.
Billy waits until her breathing grows long and mild and steady. Then he goes in the bathroom and helps himself.
9
Days go by, just a few, almost like a vacation, and then it’s almost time. There’s a Target down the road, and after breakfast they shop there. Alice buys a big plastic jug of moisturizer and a spray bottle. Also bathing suits. Hers is a modest blue tank. His are billowy trunks with tropical fish on them. She also buys him a pair of pre-washed bib overalls, yellow work gloves, a denim barn coat, and a T-shirt with a very Vegas slogan on it.
They swim in the motel pool, which they discover is the best part of their current accommodation. Alice plays water volleyball with some kids while Billy lies on a chaise, watching. It all feels natural. They could be a father and daughter on their way to Los Angeles, maybe looking for work, maybe looking for relatives they can touch up for a long-term loan or a place to stay.
The motel clerk was right about the buffet – it’s heavy on mac and cheese and prehistoric roast beef au jus – but after almost two hours in the pool, Alice eats everything on her heaped plate and goes back for more. Billy can’t keep up with her, although there was a time – basic training, for instance – when he could have eaten her under the table. After lunch, she says she wants a nap. Billy isn’t surprised.
Around four o’clock they go shopping again, this time at a farm-and-garden store called Grow Baby Grow. Alice’s great mood of the morning has darkened, but she makes no effort to change his mind about the next day. Billy is grateful. Persuasion might lead to argument and arguing with Alice is the last thing he wants. Not on what could be their last day together.