I bite down on my lip to keep from telling her everything. If I hadn’t argued with her the way I did, would I have been able to prevent that accident?
“The police came in, but I didn’t match any of their missing person reports, and I didn’t seem to have any next of kin. I was in that hospital all by myself, and no one was looking for me, no one cared.”
She wraps her arms around herself, and though I want to pull her closer, I don’t dare to.
“Social Services came in and found me a place to stay. After a couple of weeks, I received a scholarship offer, and I moved to London. I had a really great professor there, and she’s a big part of the reason I came back. It’s thanks to her that I dared to reach for a little bit more. She taught me that it’s okay to dream, and that trying to make my biggest dreams come true is a worthwhile purpose. I came back to figure out what I lost. The last couple of years were fine, but I felt incomplete.”
I turn my head to look at her. She’s staring up at the sky, her expression dreamy and content. “You mentioned that you often feel like there’s a man you’ve forgotten. There’s someone you dream about, right? How come you dated Ryan when there’s someone you loved so much that even the loss of your memories couldn’t fully erase him from your subconscience?”
She looks at me then, her smile bittersweet. “That is precisely why I started dating Ryan,” she says, her expression crestfallen. “There was someone I loved so much that I couldn’t fully forget him, even when I forgot my own name. Despite that, no one has come looking for me. Whoever he is, he didn’t care enough to be a part of my life.”
“Maybe he did look for you and just couldn’t find you.”
She looks away. “I used to think that. I used to hope that I’d one day run into him, and I’d just know that it was him. That’s kind of what it felt like with Ryan. There was something about his eyes that stirred something deep within, almost like I recognized that shade of green, even though he insisted that we’d never met before. It’s what made me interested in him.”
I stare at her, my heart breaking. “Alanna,” I whisper, unsure of what to say. Ryan and I both have our father’s eyes. Emerald green with specks of brown. It’s my eyes she saw in his. “What would you do if that guy walked back into your life now?”
She looks back at me, the hope in her eyes remedying fragments of my broken heart. “I don’t know. I’d like to think that I’d recognize him the moment I see him, but I’m not sure anymore. Even if I did meet him again, how could he possibly live up to what I’ve imagined him to be? It’s been years, and he’s probably moved on. I need to do the same.”
He hasn’t moved on, is what I want to say, but I can’t. Even now that I’ve finally found her, it feels like she can slip away at any moment. I’m tempted to tie her to me, but Alanna was never meant to be tied down. I need her to stay with me willingly, so I’ll have to give her a reason to. This date is only just the beginning.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Alanna
I smile to myself as I think back to the way Silas and I spent hours chatting in the sun, never running out of things to talk about. It was the perfect date, and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. I keep trying to remind myself that I shouldn’t fall for Silas, that he’s my boss and my ex’s older brother… but it’s a losing battle.
“Monitoring these computers is tedious as hell,” Josh complains, and I snap out of my daydreams as I look back at my screen.
When we were first assigned this project, I thought it’d be far more exciting than it is. I feel like a cop on a stakeout, just waiting for something interesting to happen. We’re assessing our algorithm to see what it’s flagging, and more importantly, what it’s missing, but it’s a really boring and lengthy process.
“Alanna?”
I freeze at the sound of Ryan’s voice. He’s been calling and texting me non-stop, and even though I said I’d give him a chance to be friends again, I’ve been avoiding him. Every time I want to reply to one of his messages, I’m reminded of the way Silas looked at me when he told me to stay away from Ryan. His words were harsh, but there was something in his eyes that had my heart aching.
“Ryan,” I mutter, forcing a smile to my face.
“Are you free for lunch?” he asks hesitantly.
I glance at Josh nervously, scared he’s going to accuse me of nepotism again, but much to my surprise, he simply nods. “You might as well go. I haven’t seen you take a lunch break in weeks. You can’t always eat at your desk. Bring me back something, though.”