There’s a reason why I didn’t go up to you and Byron. I know this is a long time coming but I want to explain…
Benny wrote about Steve, about college, about the things she’d been trying to accomplish, about her disappointments. She was sorry, she said, that so much time had gone by but she would not apologize for being who she was, even if being who she was hadn’t brought her a whole lot of comfort of late. Benny finished the letter and sealed it but it would be a while before she could bring herself to slip it into a mailbox. By the time she did, it was already autumn 2018, and Benny sees now that her mother had run out of time.
B and B, I know your father could be strict with you children. He had such high expectations for you two. We both did. And I see, now, that this put a lot of pressure on you. But your father was my love and he gave me a beautiful boy and girl and he loved you two more than you will ever know. Maybe one day, you’ll have children of your own and then you’ll see.
Benedetta, I’m thinking of you right now. Surely, you must know that your father cared for you deeply. You were his baby girl. But you had grown up to become such a different kind of woman from what we had expected. This does not mean that we didn’t love you. And it does not mean that we didn’t believe in you. But, yes, we had our own views and we expected you to hear us out. We were worried about how you were going to make your way in the world.
I realize that times have changed. It used to be that a solid education could make a difference in this country, especially for people like us, with all the prejudices that could get in the way. No one seems to know anymore what it takes for a young person to make a career or to have a stable home life. You young people have so much more freedom now, even in terms of who to love. But it also seems as though you have less guidance, despite all those how-to lists on the Internet. It’s as if there are so many choices that it’s no longer possible to know which path is right for you. And the prejudices are still there. Less formal, in some cases, but still present.
In any case, we felt that a college degree couldn’t hurt, not to mention one from a prestigious university. When you dropped out of college and refused to go back, it just felt like the beginning of an unraveling of something that we had worked so hard to create for you, a kind of safety net that we thought you could carry with you for the rest of your life. And I hate to admit it, but we were a little offended, too, after everything that we had done for you.
I don’t think you realize, Benny, how lucky you were to do so well in school. How could you? Except for that one dip in your grades in high school, all you had to do was show up and you were at the top of your class. It became evident that you had some kind of a gift, Benny, and we felt like you were throwing it away.
About that Thanksgiving Day. I know, your father and I had always taught you that love and loyalty counted for more than anything else. But what happens when love and loyalty are in conflict with each other? I love you children more than anything, but my loyalty to your father was the bedrock of our family. I needed to be there for your dad, just as he had always been there for me. For us. Without him, none of us would have made it this far. Your dad needed a little time to get his head around what you were trying to tell us about your social life. But then you walked out and his pride got in the way. Yours, too, I suspect.
I didn’t think we’d end up going eight years without seeing each other. First, you ran off and never called again. Then your father became sick. And I figured I’d let you know once he was better, tell you to come back home to see us, but before we knew it, he was gone. And then we didn’t see you at the funeral and that was just too much, even for me. It’s true, I didn’t feel like talking to you after that. I felt I needed to keep my distance to stay healthy in the head. What a fool I was, Benny. Once again, I had wasted time that was never mine to squander.
Once in a while, I’d leave a voice message on your cellphone but you never responded. But now I have your letter, the one with the photos of the cake. The photos you said you meant to mail to me months before. I called you when I saw them. I left you a message. I love those pictures! And now I know. About your reasons for leaving college. About Steve. Why didn’t you tell me any of this before? Why didn’t you ask for help? Why do we women let shame get in the way of our well-being? I thought that times had changed since I was a girl, but apparently, not enough.
Betrayed
Betrayed.
That’s how Byron feels, hearing his mother’s words. He doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. He doesn’t understand what’s happened with Benny. And who is this Steve person, anyway? All Byron knows is, he’s been left out. He, who did everything for his mother while Benny was off who knows where.