He rubs the back of his neck with one hand. “They were about to kill the scholar. I felt sorry for the man.”
“Right.”
A lengthy pause.
“And I saw them holding you. They were trying to take you away. I didn’t think. I acted. I didn’t care how many men were in that clearing, because I didn’t even see them. All I saw was you in danger and so I fought.”
A delicious, light feeling sweeps through my veins. It starts at my heart and bursts toward my fingertips.
But then it disappears, and I panic, struggling to think of a single thing to say to him in response. The pause goes on too long; I’m sure it does. I step back out of his reach.
“That sword,” Kellyn says, “you should have told me about it.”
“It’s so dangerous. The fewer people who know about it the better.” I fiddle with my fingers, popping the joints and twisting the skin. I look down. More quietly, I whisper, “Knowing about the sword wouldn’t have stopped Kymora’s men from discovering you’re helping us.”
“I know.”
“But that’s not what you’re upset about. It’s that I didn’t trust you with it.”
“Yes.”
“I-if it means anything to you, I trust you now.”
I hear the breath enter his lungs. “It does mean something to me.”
I bite the inside of my cheek at the next break in conversation. Maybe I need to show him that I trust him? “Do you want to carry Secret Eater on the way to Galvinor? You’re the only one I’d trust to wield it.”
“I’m never touching it again,” he says before the words have quite left my mouth. “It feels … wrong when I hold it. Like it wasn’t meant for me.”
“Okay.”
At the next pause, I can feel the tension between us, thick as a cloud of smoke. I want it to abate.
He wants to forgive me. I want to forgive him.
But is it all irreparable?
“I can’t change the fact that Kymora will soon know about you,” I say. “But how can I make things better?”
Kellyn once said something similar to me. I wonder if he catches that.
When he doesn’t answer right away, I look up.
He was waiting for that. His eyes latch on to mine. “I want nothing else kept from me. No more lies. No more secrets. Is there anything more I should know?”
“Nothing,” I say.
But then I realize that’s not quite true. “Except, well…”
He raises a brow. “Well?”
I groan.
“What?” he asks.
“I really don’t want to tell you.”
“Ziva, no more secrets. You said you trusted me.”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that I don’t want you to know.”
“Why?”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad. Whatever it is, you can tell me, and I’ll try not to react poorly.”
I groan again, attempt to gather my courage. “You’re connected to the sword in more ways than you think.” I bury my face into my hands and mumble the story. “I saw you before we met when you came into my shop. I was in the forge, working on Secret Eater. I hadn’t added the magic yet when you walked by on the street. And then … it was magicked.”
“I’m not following.”
“I may have said something about you aloud. A secret. And the sword ate it.”
“What did you say?”
“I don’t remember the exact words.”
His hands curl around my fingers, pulling them from my face. “Yes, you do. What were the words, Ziva?”
I glare at him. “I’m only telling you this because I feel bad about putting you in danger against your will.”
He’s trying his best to keep from grinning, waiting.
“You have to understand, I don’t like people,” I say.
“You’ve said this before.”
“No, I mean, I don’t like people. I’ve never been attracted to anyone before.” Though he has my hands out of my face, I stare at his neck, unable to look any higher. “I’ve never met anyone who didn’t terrify me to the point of wanting to run the other way. I have these attacks, like the one you just witnessed. I panic a lot, and I’m scared all the time for reasons I can’t even really explain, except that the fear is always tied to people.
“But then I saw you, and you were beautiful. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to be close to someone physically. And that longing—combined with the spoken desire to touch you—it gave the sword its long-range abilities.” The last words come out as a whisper. But then, louder, I press on. I can’t allow him a chance to respond to that. It’s too humiliating. “Now you know everything. Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”