Maybe it was my fault she was searching so desperately for someone to love and take care of her, because I had been that person, and now I was gone.
My stomach twisted at the thought, even as another one chased right behind it, reminding me that she’d always been looking for a partner — ever since Dad left.
But still, I could have been there, I could have been doing more.
It was selfish of me to chase my dreams of playing in the NFL when I could have been home with her. I could have a full-time job by now, one with benefits and a decent salary. I could be taking care of her in every way she needs. At the very least, I could have gone to school somewhere close, in California, where she was just a quick drive away.
Instead, I was focused on myself.
All the thoughts and guilt warred inside me, and Giana must have seen, because her brows folded together when she looked over her shoulder at me perched against the wall.
“Come on,” she said, gathering her things. “Let’s go up to the deck.”
I followed her quietly up the stairs, and we were met with a soft, cool breeze when we reached the top of the observation deck. Giana tucked her cardigan around her more for warmth, and I slipped my hands into the front pocket of my hoodie.
There were a few small telescopes along the railing of the dome, but Giana didn’t go for any of them. Instead, she tossed her bag down to the side and slid down the outside of the dome to sit on the deck, patting the spot next to her for me to do the same.
“I hate that you’re this sad on your birthday,” she confessed when I sat next to her, my knees spread, elbows balanced on them, and hands clasped in-between.
I didn’t respond.
“Talk to me,” she pleaded, angling herself toward me. “Tell me what happened.”
I closed my eyes, shaking my head before I opened them again and stared at my sneakers. “Can’t,” I managed.
“Why not?”
Because it’s hard to explain. Because I’m embarrassed. Because I’m ashamed. Because I’m terrified there’s nothing I can do. Because I hate that it’s my responsibility and feel like an asshole for feeling that way.
All those responses and more rushed through my mind, but I just shook my head again, unable to say a single one of them.
Giana let out a long exhale, then nodded, as if she’d heard what I couldn’t dare to say. “Okay,” she said. “Then use me.”
I frowned, especially when she crawled over to sit between my legs. She sat on her knees in front of me, forcing me to open my stance, to unclasp my hands and let her in. She quite literally forced her way in until I had no choice but to look at her.
I was devastated when I did.
It wasn’t her curly hair, a bit frizzy from the game and a long day before that. It wasn’t the freckles on her cheeks, or the soft moonlight reflected in her aqua eyes. It wasn’t even her brick-red-and-gold plaid skirt, the modest black blouse she’d paired with it, or the knee-high black stockings that drove me mad anytime she wore them.
It was how she looked at me.
It was how she watched me with so much care and reverence that I was fucking speechless, unable to move, unable to do anything but watch her in return.
“Use me to take your mind off whatever it is that’s hurting you, to escape.” She swallowed. “Give me another lesson.”
I let out a shaky breath through my nose, ready to argue that now wasn’t the time, but her lips silenced me before I could. She leaned forward, kissing me slowly and confidently, her hands framing my face as mine came to her waist like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“I need you. Show me what’s next,” she breathed against my mouth, her lips hovering there as she added, “And this time, I want you to go first.”
I frowned when she kissed me again, squeezing her hips a little as I pulled back. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that last time you were left without a release,” she clarified, and then with all the confidence of a woman who knew everything instead of the shyness of a girl asking me to show her, she climbed into my lap, the heat of her against my abdomen as she settled into place. “Tonight, I want to make you feel good first. I want…” She swallowed, like she was ashamed, but then held her chin a bit higher and looked me right in the eyes. “I want you to show me how to taste you.”
Jesus fucking Christ.
I closed my eyes on a dragon exhale to keep from saying that out loud, and I felt the ravenous animal inside me roaring to life. Giana pressed into me, kissing me before I could overthink it, before I could think of any argument to stop her.