Tommy nods, like he thinks this is a very good idea. Does he even know what ‘prospects’ means?
‘Want a cup of tea, Sonya?’
No, I fucking don’t. ‘Please,’ I say, holding my hand up. ‘No milk.’
‘Ah now, don’t you think I know that much about you by now?’ He looks at Tommy as he says this and laughs. ‘No milk for Mummy.’
Tommy laughs back, aping him, a sound that doesn’t belong to him. Has he been guzzling cow’s milk from the carton since our separation? I don’t think I could bear that.
‘Are you eating, Sonya?’ David says.
‘Oh ok, just a sliver, then, with my tea.’ Ms Sanity is making a guest appearance.
‘Do you think you could put that dog out?’
‘Herbie is an indoor dog. And anyway, it’s raining out there.’
‘Would you not get it a kennel?’
I look at Tommy, who is staring at me ferociously.
‘Absolutely out of the question. That dog has been traumatised enough.’
‘Not asking you to get an electric one!’
Tommy gets up and walks into the sitting room, sits on the floor, and for the first time since coming home he puts his arms around his pal. I watch, grateful.
‘That’s bloody unhygienic,’ David mumbles, standing behind me.
‘You sound exactly like my father.’ I try on a laugh.
‘Is that your stock answer when you hear something you don’t like?’
I steer him back into the kitchen, attempt to generate a charge, to wrestle some power back, whisper, ‘Have you missed me?’ There’s not a trace of the man who took me on the floor, here, who devoured me. I wonder if I made it all up.
‘Sonya, I didn’t like your tone of voice when you called. Remember the incident in the park?’
Feel exactly as I used to when I’d tell my father a secret, and he’d look at me in that way, and then later, in some argument, he’d use it against me, or worse still he’d have told Lara and she’d throw it at me: ‘No wonder those girls in school don’t talk to you.’
‘You hinted at stuff, Sonya. And then earlier, your voice, it contained within it the possibility of all that.’
All of what, exactly? What did I say to him? I’d never have driven away, left Tommy on his own in the house. I just need to learn to sit with the urges, to soothe myself.
‘We both know what you’re capable of, don’t we?’ he continues.
I think of the guys in the meetings talking about what it means to be a mature adult: discerning, protecting themselves, not exposing themselves to the wrong sort of people. Think of Linda, imagine Mark bamboozling her with his questions, questions none of which she can answer correctly, designed to trip her up, no matter what shapes and sounds her mouth gives form to.
David walks into the living room. ‘How’s Tommy? This must be hard, huh? Strange being back in your old house?’
Herbie makes a low grumbling sound.
I follow him in. ‘Not really, is it, Tommy? Just take a few days to get used to each other is all.’
Tommy is regarding us both in the same detached manner, causing a blockage, a sensation like a rough-edged pill stuck in my windpipe.
‘Ok, Tommy, now time to say goodnight and thank you to David,’ I say, woman in charge, woman residing under her own roof.
‘Would you like it if I stayed, Tommy?’ David says.
‘Ok,’ Tommy says.
‘David, can we talk in private?’
I close the door behind us and speak low and, I think, reasonably, with not a hint of seduction, or wheedling. ‘Hey, I think you were right earlier, when you said Tommy and I should spend time alone together on our first night.’
‘That was before you told me what you told me.’
‘You’re making this much more stressful than it needs to be.’
‘Sonya, you don’t want to make a scene, scare the boy even further.’
‘What exactly do you think I’d do, David?’
‘Do you even remember what you said to me on the phone?’
An insistent hum starts to ring in my ears. Blurred fragments, no conscious memory, none, beyond picking up the phone and a feeling that my mouth should be stopped.
‘I’d never forgive myself if I left you guys alone together.’
Breathe, swallow, breathe, swallow. The hum is increasing in volume and makes me want to clamp my hands over my ears. Ridiculous impulse. None of this is what it seems. He’s only here because he cares, has my best interests at heart, and Tommy’s. And I did ask for help.