揌aving sex??Santino asked in a low voice, walking closer. My body yearned for his touch as if I抎 already gone without it for months. 揝haring a bed? Spending time together like a couple??
Couple. Had he just compared us to a couple?
My heart seemed too heavy for my ribcage as if it might fall and shatter on the floor any moment.
揥e always knew it couldn抰 last. We knew how it would end.?
揧ou marrying Clifford.?
揧es,?I said tonelessly.
He stopped in front of me, touching my cheek. I stared at his chest, afraid to meet his gaze. I knew it would consume me whole.
揌ave you ever just for a second considered following your heart? Have you ever allowed yourself to consider canceling your engagement and giving us a real chance??
I couldn抰 believe what he said, couldn抰 believe he broke our unspoken agreement to not consider a future together. Why did he have to make this harder than it was?
Had I considered it?
Yes, of course. Every night I fell asleep in Santino抯 arms and every morning I woke beside him.
But I抎 never allowed the idea to fester, and I wouldn抰 allow it now.
揘o,?I said firmly.
Santino nudged my face up, his brown eyes locking on mine. I steeled myself. 揧ou抮e a good liar but I know you.?
揧ou know me well, Santino, but you don抰 know everything, especially not my heart. First and foremost, I抦 loyal to my family, and they need me to marry Clifford. I won抰 disappoint them.?
揗arrying a bodyguard would most certainly be a disappointment.?
I glared. 揥e always knew this couldn抰 be! Don抰 act like you were about to propose to me.?
揧ou抮e right. I suppose it抯 a good thing then that I asked your father three years ago to let me return to the job of Enforcer after Paris. That way we won抰 see each other anymore. A clean cut, how you want it.?
I froze. I抎 thought I抎 at least still see Santino, still be able to talk to him. 揧ou never told me.?
He shrugged. 揕ike you, I often forgot there was a time after Paris.?
I forced a smile. 揧ou never liked being my bodyguard, so now you get your wish.?
Santino glanced at his watch. 揥e should go to sleep. Our flight leaves early.?
I pressed my lips together. 揥on抰 we spend our last night together??I forced my lips into a coy smile, not wanting to be sappy.
Santino抯 expression was emotionless. 揑 don抰 think that would be wise. We should spend the night in our beds.?
揧ou抮e right,?I said with forced resoluteness. 揂 clean cut is what we need.?
I turned around and returned to my bedroom, wiping my eyes brutally.
We were silent on the flight back home. Santino watched an action movie on the small seat TV and I stared out of the window. I hadn抰 slept much last night and felt bone-tired but my whirling thoughts kept me awake.
I hadn抰 seen Clifford since his impromptu surprise visit in Paris almost three years ago. We抎 always missed each other with him studying a few semesters in Oxford and traveling to political events with his father, and me being gone in Paris. I had a feeling he抎 avoided me. And I hadn抰 minded. Seeing him would have only ripped open wounds, wounds that hadn抰 even happened yet. Since then a lot had changed. I had changed. Santino and I had changed. We抎 gotten even closer. What we had gone far beyond the physical. What we抎 had?
Santino and I, we couldn抰 be anymore. This morning our interaction had been detached and professional.
I抎 hated every second of it. It was probably for the best that he wouldn抰 serve as my bodyguard anymore.
I was nervous. Nervous how I抎 return to my old life, how I抎 manage to allow closeness with Clifford. How I抎 convince everyone I was okay. Leonas was the only one who knew about Santino, but he wasn抰 the person to whom I抎 talk about heartbreak. Because it felt like heartbreak. Falling out of love with someone took more than a conversation about a clean cut.
Maybe I could tell Luisa and Sofia?But I had practically lied to them these last three years too. I wasn抰 even sure why I hadn抰 told them anything on the few parties we抎 seen each other in person. Maybe I抎 thought it would make ending things easier if nobody knew. But now I wished I抎 had someone who抎 give me a pep talk. In the last three years, Santino had been the pep talker, mostly by telling me to stop throwing myself a pity party whenever something didn抰 go to plan or I got a mediocre grade, but for obvious reasons, he couldn抰 take up that role anymore.
揝top fretting. Nobody will notice anything. You fooled me into believing you were experienced three years ago, and that抯 a remarkable feed. You抮e a marvelous liar.?
This wasn抰 the banter we抎 shared before sex, this was the annoyed voice of the past.