Jake says nothing, his gaze falling toward the sand. When he finally looks up, his eyes are full of sorrow.
Suddenly, behind them, Stella lets out a sharp squeal.
“Mommy! Look!”
Molly turns to see a crab skittering across the sand near Stella’s feet.
“He won’t hurt you,” Jake says, squatting. “He’s just a little guy.”
But Stella continues to screech as the crab scampers around her, whether in excitement or in fear, Molly isn’t sure. With a five-year-old, it can be a fine line between the two emotions.
“He’s gonna bite me, Jake!”
Jake hooks his hands under Stella’s armpits and scoops her up in a flash. “All right, Stella. I saved you from the big bad crab!”
Stella shrieks in delight, wriggling her little body in Jake’s strong arms. The sight of it is almost too much for Molly to take.
“Time for a swim, I think.” Jake places Stella down for a moment. He peels off his shirt, then picks her up again, bounding into the water, Stella shrieking with laughter in his grasp.
Molly stands on the shore and watches them, a clamp around her heart. She watches as Stella, in her favorite pink bathing suit, jumps off Jake’s bronzed shoulders and into the sea. She jumps over and over again, squealing with glee each time, Jake securing her ankles as she stands. Molly doesn’t notice the tears in her eyes until Stella and Jake are out of the water, panting with exhaustion, and Stella wraps her arms around Molly’s leg.
“Why are you crying, Mommy?”
It’s the same question Stella asked her in the women’s locker room on the Fourth of July. Molly glances down at her daughter—her perfect baby girl. She smooths her wet, salty hair, gently pinches her tiny earlobe. “I just thought of a memory and it made me sad. But happy sad. Tears can be happy, too.”
Jake looks at Molly then, his irises the same glittering blue that she remembers, the curls she used to run her fingers through dark and damp. He reaches for her hand, and it’s refreshingly cold from the ocean. The three of them stand there like that for a trancelike moment, the waves crashing at their feet. Time is frozen. It is bliss. She wants so badly to let herself bask it in, but something snaps inside her heart.
Molly yanks her hand from Jake’s—she doesn’t want Stella to see—and glances down at the Apple Watch Hunter gave her for her birthday. Pink. Stella picked the color.
“Shoot. It’s quarter of twelve. We gotta go, Stell.” Above them, the sky is filling with thicker clouds, rolling in from the east, a cloak of gray that obscures the sun.
“To Jade’s?” Stella grabs her yellow bucket from where it lies on the sand. She turns to Jake. “You know Jade’s dad makes her butter-and-sugar sandwiches?”
“Butter-and-sugar sandwiches?” Jake’s eyes widen. “Hmm. Sounds nutritious.”
“What’s ‘nutritious’？”
“It means healthy.” Molly takes the bucket from Stella. It’s heavy—full of rocks and shells. “But Jake is joking. Butter and sugar aren’t healthy foods. They’re okay to have once in a while, as a special treat. C’mon, Stell, say goodbye.” She knows she’s rushing, she knows she’s done a terrible job “clearing the air” with Jake like she planned, but she doesn’t care. There’s been a tangible shift in the atmosphere—a riptide looming—and she needs to get out before it sucks her away.
“Bye, Jake.” Stella places her hands on her hips and shifts her weight to one foot. “Are you coming to my birthday party on August twentieth?”
“Oh. I don’t know.” Jake gives a playful grin. “I didn’t get an invitation.”
“Oh. Well, there’s gonna be a pi?ata there. Mom, can he come?” Stella looks up at Molly, her eyes wide and hopeful.
“That’s fine,” Molly answers, her voice strangled. What else is she supposed to say?
“Cool. I’ll be there. I hope you like presents.” Jake holds up his hand, and Stella gives him a high five with her tiny palm, a wide grin cracking across her face. “Bye, Stell,” he calls. “Have fun at Jade’s. Have a butter-and-sugar sandwich for me.”
Molly forces a smile, averting her gaze. She’s afraid if she looks at Jake, she’ll burst into more tears.
She hands Stella a towel, and they walk back down the beach toward the car. Molly wants the shame of the emotions inside her to take over, but all she can feel now is the heavy, dizzying aftermath of being close to him again and the agony of the increasing space between them as she drives away from the beach.