“I hope it was a good one.”
“It was,” I whispered.
My eyes remained on the cake, staring at it with abject misery. My chest ached with a longing that threatened to have me turning into a sobbing mess. I couldn’t cry in front of Mason on a day like this. He had no idea of the void inside me.
I was missing something. Missing something huge. It left a giant gaping hole in my heart. In my whole soul. There was no escaping it. No hiding or running away. It annihilated me every single time. Today marked the tenth year I’d had to experience it. And for the first time, I could admit to myself it wasn’t only one thing. It was four separate voids. My missing pieces. I didn’t know what or who they were, only they weren’t here with me.
Shoving all of my emotions down, I plucked the candle from the cake and picked it up, taking a bite. The burst of flavour soothed me a fraction. It couldn’t heal the holes in my heart, but it could make me feel less… empty. Even if it was just for a moment.
“Good?” Mason asked.
I nodded around my mouthful.
“Gio made it especially for you.”
I swallowed and picked at the cake.
“Thank him for me… please.”
Mason would have asked Gio to do it in secret, considering I was in the doghouse with my parents. No doubt they’d forgotten it was my birthday. I didn’t care about whether they did or not. I spent most of them with Mason. He was the only friend I had.
Mason nodded as I bit into the cake again. It was the only food I’d had in god knows how long. A small slice of heaven. A small treat in my otherwise lonely and tragic existence.
We sat in silence as I finished the rest of the cake. I handed him the plate when I was done. He set it beside him and took my hand, running his thumb along it.
“I’m sorry I can’t do more to help you celebrate today.”
I shrugged.
“S’okay. It’s not your fault… it’s mine.”
“Scar…”
“I should have done what Dad said and stayed in my room.”
His sympathetic look made my chest ache. I didn’t want his pity. I just wanted to leave this place and be free. For this void inside me to be filled. To find the missing pieces of my soul.
“You shouldn’t blame yourself.”
“I know better, Mase. I’ve always known better. I’m just tired. So tired of everything. Sometimes… sometimes I want to disappear completely.”
He reached out and put his hand on my thigh, giving it a squeeze. I looked down at it, feeling slightly uncomfortable from the direct contact.
“I don’t want you to disappear.”
I didn’t ask him to help me escape my parents. It was another futile endeavour. I’d tried before and he’d told me to stick it out. Said he couldn’t interfere with what Stuart wanted. Mason gave with one hand by taking care of me when things got out of hand but took with the other by refusing to do anything about the abuse. And so my feelings towards the man I thought of as a brother figure were all fucked up. A mess of conflicting emotions I buried to survive.
“I’m still here, aren’t I?”
He withdrew his hand as if sensing it made me uncomfortable. Then he shifted to his feet, picking up the things he brought in here, including the lamp.
“Yeah, you are. But I wish you wouldn’t say things like that.”
I didn’t answer him. He didn’t understand my pain. I don’t think anyone could. Turning away, I stared at the wall, wishing he would leave me alone again. Whilst I appreciated his gesture, I wanted to cry myself to sleep and pretend it wasn’t the one day of the year that made me feel like I was dying. Birthdays should be a happy event. Not for the first time, I wished I didn’t feel so empty from it.
“I’m sorry I can’t make today better for you.”
When I continued refusing to respond to him, Mason left, taking all the light with him. The door shut and tears slid down my cheeks.
Please… if there’s someone out there, set me free. Please, set me free.
One day… one day I’d find my freedom. I’d find those missing pieces. And I’d hold on to them tight. Then we’d never be separated again.
Two
Francis
Setting my book down on the bedside table, I looked over at the clock. My brow furrowed when I realised Scarlett had been gone for well over an hour. I didn’t think her conversation with Drake would take that long. It needed to happen, but the Scarlett-sized void in my bed had me feeling off.