I’ve watched you from afar, Joe, and I know you’ve done good things, even with your struggles. I’ve been corresponding with a man whom I really do not know, but he tells me he’s worked with you, and he believes I can find you. He has provided a few details to that end, and he’s asked nothing of me in return. That is difficult for me to accept, as I have never, ever, received anything from a man that didn’t have strings attached.
I don’t know that I will see him when I arrive there, but I am hoping to find you. I wish I could just pick up a phone or a pen and write you, but that isn’t possible. I can’t explain it, but if I see you, it will be because I have the courage to actually physically approach you. I will look into your eyes. We will see each other, and if you are willing to hear me, then I can admit to you—you first, before Robbie and Charles—the things I am guilty of.
I say these things because I have hope, my darling.
God, through Pastor Suzanne and my sisters here, has given me many things, but none more important than hope.
I hope.
I love you.
If God wills it, I will find you.
“I don’t even know where to start.” His eyes wandered around the room, and his hands shook until he squeezed them together. It was more than overwhelming. It was impossible to fully absorb. He looked back at Aideen. “What happens now?”
“You should be released from here tomorrow, maybe Friday. The case won’t be formally dropped until KCDA submits a motion, but you’ll be out, pending that.”
“No, Aideen, I mean, what do I do? I can’t even . . .” He trailed off and felt his eyes brimming with tears. “What the hell do I do now?”
“You have to process this,” she said. “After everything else, now this. I’d say one day at a time.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “I had no idea she even had thoughts like that. I had no idea she could express them.”
“It sounds like she couldn’t for many years. I’m glad she did, and that this pastor was able to share them with you.”
“These crimes, Aid, I thought I committed them. For a while there, I really did.”
“I know you did.”
“So . . . how did you . . . I mean, why did you . . .” He was fighting breaking down and sobbing.
“Why did I what?”
“Believe in me? That’s different from believing me, you know what I mean? No one had done that since Craig Flynn. Before him, it was Uncle Mike.”
“Plenty of people believed in you. I did too, for the most part.”
He felt himself grinning. “For the most part?”
“I like to hedge my bets.”
“Do you think Craig knew I was innocent? I mean really knew it?”
“I don’t know how Craig’s mind works,” she said, her eyes strangely suspicious. They seemed to clear and she shrugged. “He thought we belonged together, fighting this thing. I don’t know what else.”
“Halle,” he said. “Her parents. I hope they’ll see me. I think about her more than anyone. I mean, the letter from Lois . . . it’s a good thing. I’ll treasure it, and I’m glad she found peace. She was right, though. It would have been a stretch to turn her intentions into anything real. But Halle? Jesus, Aideen, she was so innocent. She was just a kind and decent . . .” He couldn’t hold it back anymore. Across the table from his attorney, he bawled. Aideen sat quietly as it worked through him. He was embarrassed at first, then it occurred to him how silly that was. Some things, men just never got past.
“Knowing what they know, I think Halle’s family will see you,” she said. “But one day at a time, Joe. There’s a lot to go through before this is over and you can get on with your life.”
“My life?”
“Yes. You have it back, whether you want it or not.”
“Nothing I do will bring Halle back. Or even Lois, for that matter. Hathorne made sure of that.”
“Lois kind of made her peace,” she said. “She did what she set out to do. That’s what the pastor says, and that’s what Lois was able to tell us too. She got straight, and she came back, looking for you. She died hopeful. That’s better than nothing.”
“Yeah, like Robbie. He died with less than nothing.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“I lost Robbie the night of the blackout. In a different way, but he was still gone.” He looked up at her. “He got hurt that night. It was a sexual attack of some kind, down in a stairwell. Nate asked him to go down there and check, to see if there was a way out of where we were. We heard him scream. We got to him. We stopped it. But . . . wow, I’ve never said this out loud.”