“He was Irish,” she said. “So he would be like—” She affected a near-perfect Irish accent. “‘What color are your knickers, girlies?’”
Audrey made a noise that registered both delight and disgust.
“But why would you agree to those terms?”
“Because, get this, he was also our weed dealer,” said Zoe.
They all laughed again.
“I gave my coke dealer a blow job once,” said Audrey when she’d caught her breath.
Cleo covered her mouth as if aghast. Zoe, who was genuinely shocked, tried to look unfazed. Audrey shrugged.
“Not for trade or anything. He was just hot.”
Zoe snorted with laughter. There was something so freeing about talking to the older girls like this. They weren’t surprised by anything. They didn’t judge her, and they weren’t jealous of her. They treated her as one of them.
“Guys, what do you think this means?” Zoe asked them, and recounted the story Kyle had told her about the man falling into the hole.
“And that’s the end?” asked Audrey. “There’s just two people in the hole now?”
“Apparently,” said Zoe.
“I’m too high to figure this out,” said Audrey. “Do they have sex in the hole?”
Zoe giggled. “I don’t think so.”
“The hole is loneliness,” said Cleo quietly.
“Why’s that?” said Audrey.
“You can’t stand above someone and tell them to get out of it,” she said. “Or teach or preach it out of them. You have to be in it with them.”
“You really think that’s it?” said Zoe.
“That’s why it’s a riddle,” said Cleo. “Someone else being in the hole with you means you’re no longer in the hole.”
“That’s deep, Cley,” said Audrey. “But I still suspect they have sex.” She stood up and clambered back through the window. “I’m gonna try to pee standing up like a dude!” she yelled over her shoulder.
Cleo met Zoe’s eye and laughed.
“Is that how you feel with Frank?” asked Zoe. “Like someone’s in the hole with you?”
Cleo looked out over the unlit buildings. The street below them was quiet and empty. It felt as if they were the only people still awake in the whole city.
“Sometimes,” she said. She paused to think some more. “And sometimes … Frank is the hole.”
Zoe looked at Cleo, and just for a moment, she saw her sadness. Something about her eyes, the slight downturn of her mouth when she thought no one was watching. She looked like the loneliest girl in the world.
“Sorry I haven’t been that nice to you,” she said quietly.
Cleo looked back at her and smiled faintly. Zoe thought she might try to pretend not to have noticed, but when she did speak, her voice was direct.
“Thank you for apologizing,” she said.
“I was protective of Frank, I guess,” Zoe said. “… And an idiot.”
Cleo shook her head softly. “You’re not an idiot, Zoe,” she said. “You’re lovely.”
Zoe wanted to hug her, but felt that would be awkward, so she reached over and put her hand on top of Cleo’s. This was also awkward, she realized afterward, but less so. Then Cleo did something Zoe didn’t expect; she lifted her hand and kissed the center of her palm. Zoe had never been kissed there by anyone. It was so tender, she thought. The tenderest part of her. Cleo released her hand and placed it gently back down between them.
“I’m exhausted,” she said. “Shall we sleep a little?”
They left the Popsicles melting on the balcony and clambered back through the window. Zoe and Audrey could have slept on the sofas, but Cleo insisted they all get in her and Frank’s bed. Zoe was squeezed in the middle, curled between Cleo’s back and Audrey’s shoulder. She’d never slept so well.
CHAPTER SIX
Early September
They were on the subway hurtling north toward Grand Central, where Cleo and Frank had arranged to meet her father and stepmother for lunch. It was midday on a weekday, and the subway car was cool and quiet after the din of the street. An elderly man rattling a coffee cup of coins shuffled past them.
“Who will help me?” he repeated in a high, querulous voice.
Frank dropped a crumpled dollar in his cup, then turned back to Cleo.
“So, what are their names again?” he asked.
“You can just call them Peter and Miriam, that’s what I do.”