I dry my eyes and wet my dry lips, snatching up another book. Noah knows why he needs the windows down in the car.
Saw her smile again today. She turned her face toward the sky and closed her eyes. I kind of get it. Like I don’t need to fucking talk all the time, she doesn’t need to open her eyes to see the peak. She likes it here. I can tell by her smile when she doesn’t know anyone sees her. Needles prick my throat and my vision blurs again. She always exhales when she does that, like she’s been holding her breath.
That’s me. I know he’s talking about me.
Found candy in the trash and kale on my pizza. She’s fucking weird.
I laugh through my tears.
God, she feels good. She looks like she’d be pudding in your fist. Soft. Too soft. It was so good, though. Those seconds on the car that she let me bury my face in her body. Her skin is like water. I want her smell in my bed. And in my hair. And never far away from me.
I envision him up here all those nights alone. Scribbling away in the books. All those nights wasted. Maybe he wrote this before he saw me come out of his father’s room. We both could’ve done things so much differently.
Slut. Why can’t I fucking leave? It’s time to go in. I’ve been here too long. That fucking slut. That stupid slut.
Go in. Deeper into the mountains, he means. It’s where he runs when everything hurts.
Tiernan… another book reads. But that’s it. Just my name.
I flip to the back and take a breath, seeing more.
They’re such deep sleepers, they don’t hear you at night. Just me. When I touched your face, you quieted. When I tried to leave, the nightmare started again. So I stayed. I come in every night. You tuck your cold feet between my legs, and I hug you to me, resting my hand on your back and feeling your body calm as it nestles into me. Do I make you feel safe? I like taking care of you.
I stare at the text. How did I not know that? How long was he coming in? Even when we fought?
I know you’re scared of me, and I know it’s my fault. Cici trying to slap me in the cave that day, because I didn’t want her, and instead, falling into my shoulder and bloodying her own damn nose ended up being the least of your worries. I did horrible things to you all on my own. I hate that I never did anything to get you to love me. You’ll never love me.
I clench my teeth, struggling to see past the tears.
You make me shake. My hands shook at the tree with you today, and I don’t understand what it is or why it’s happening. I just feel it. I never want you to walk too far away from me.
The tree. In December when we cut branches for the decorations. He wrote this after we made love in the barn.
You scare me. I scare you. Don’t let me hurt you anymore. Why can’t I stop wanting to hurt you? Just fuck them, okay? Keep fucking them, so I won’t want you so damn much. I’m a mess, because wanting you feels good, and I don’t know what to do when things feel good. Everything is a mess, and I’ll make a mess of all of it, but…
I’m going to miss you.
I’ll miss you.
I exhale what little air I’m holding.
He’s killing me.
All this time I pushed it away, trying to survive and act like I could win, but he’s right. It’s a mess, and we’re a mess, but I always knew that if he walked through the door and said anything to me—or communicated in any way—I’d melt. All I’ve ever wanted was one glimpse into his head.
I stand back, taking in the shelves and the dozens of books still waiting for me. Not once, so far, has he mentioned his mother.
He doesn’t care.
The pages are filled with what he loves.
I’m not leaving Jake here alone. I’m not leaving without Kaleb and me having it out. I’m not taking Noah without them saying goodbye.
I want him home.
I don’t know how much time I spend looking through more books and rereading parts I loved, but the house is dark and silent when I finally leave his room and come down the stairs. I missed the movie, but it’s okay. I’m glad Jake is asleep.
I slip into Noah’s room, hearing the faint sound of his music, and walk over to his bed, jostling him awake.
“What?” he groans and turns over, wiping the sleep from his eyes.
I lean down. “Let’s go get Kaleb.”
Tiernan
“It’s eighteen degrees,” I tell Noah, exhaling inside my jacket to soak up the warmth. I look up at the overcast sky. “Those clouds are less than six-thousand feet. We’ve gotta move.”
Snow swirls in the wind around us, but it’s only the beginning. A storm is coming.