I don’t want to ever let him go. Not in April when the snow stops. Not in August when school starts. Not ever.
He gazes down at me, and I look up into his eyes, smiling and vaguely hearing raps on the door.
“Hey!” Noah hollers. “Open up!”
I hug Kaleb as he keeps going, my eyes closing as he fills me and hits deep. The bed rocks against the wall, and I moan as Kaleb fists my hair.
“So you found Kaleb, I guess?” Noah barks. “Come on, it’s cold out here!”
But I’m coming, and I can’t stop. I grab Kaleb and kiss him hard, barely registering the sound of whatever Noah throws against the door.
Tiernan
I touch his face, tracing the ridge of his nose, down to the dip above his lip, and then over his mouth. His eyes are closed, but I know he’s not sleeping as he holds me to him in the bed.
Noah sleeps across the room, and I’m not sure what time it is, but I know it’s early morning. Rain still taps the roof and windows.
I love you.
He didn’t say it back, though.
He may never say it back.
Oh, the irony. Six months ago, I ran from a life of people who wouldn’t talk to me and ended up falling for a guy who may never say a word to me. I stare up at him, threading my fingers through his black hair and picturing the little boy who lost all hope that day in that car when he was four.
I drop my eyes to the thin tattoo down the back of his neck, between his ear and his spine.
Credence. I’m close enough to read it now. It means ‘belief as to the truth of something’。
I’m not sure I understand.
And then, maybe I do.
If he doesn’t tell me he loves me, then how do I know he does? What if I’m what he wants until the snow melts and he can have Cici or any one of the girls in town?
What if I don’t truly understand what’s happening here, and I’m more his than he is mine?
The truth is…it doesn’t matter. I’m going to love him for as long as I can, because that’s what makes me happy.
“Can I stay with you here?” I ask him.
He opens his eyes, peering down at me. Then, he shakes his head, pinching his eyebrows together like that would be the worst idea ever.
My pride is bruised until I choose to just believe he doesn’t want me living in this hovel with no indoor plumbing.
“You haven’t been lonely?” I press.
He just trails his fingers down my arm, and after a moment, finally nods.
I lie my head on his chest, hearing Noah snore. “I remember the feeling of Mirai’s arms around me when I was sick,” I tell Kaleb. “I was little, but I remember how good it felt to be held.” I tighten my arms around him. “And to hold something. It’s probably the most peaceful moment in my life that I remember. Until I stepped into the glen, that is.
It didn’t register at the time, because I was so caught up in where I was and seeing the cabin, but it’s beautiful here. Hidden, serene, pure… His journal entries make sense now that I see it. I could do with a few more modern conveniences and maybe a few more people to talk to, but I can see why he loves it.
He doesn’t have to face anything here. And I get it. Sometimes, we all need to hide.
“When the world feels small, nothing can hurt you.” I caress his stomach, feeling his abs flex under my hand. “You want to stay there, because you’re protected. For a while anyway.” I stare off, thinking about him and me and how I hid inside myself all those years because I didn’t want to be rejected anymore or hurt. “But then you realize you’re the only one who fits there in that small world, and being alone feels worse than not feeling safe.”
Avoiding the bad means you risk avoiding the good, too, and I’d rather be hurt than never not feel this. I inhale his skin.
“And speaking of safe…” I take a deep breath and tilt my head up to look at him, changing the subject. “Where the hell were you last night? Holed up in a cave? We were almost electrocuted.”
He smiles and flips me over, trailing kisses down my stomach.
“Oh, no.” I stop him, forcing him to look at me. “Now that I have my senses about me, I’m mad at you. We were worried. Really worried. Say you’re sorry.”
He gives my tummy a peck, holding my eyes.
“Again.”
He inches up and kisses me again, a smile in his dark gaze.
“I’m still mad.”
He catches my nipple between his teeth and drags it out slowly. I gasp.
“You’re just trying to shut me up now,” I grumble, but really, heat is pooling low in my belly. “Just because you like me to guess everything that’s going on in your head…”