“By your own account,” Sophie said, unamused, “you were seduced by a married man when you were very young. Then you married a man you weren’t allowed to be yourself with. And now you tell me that you were atrociously abused by a sexual predator. Doesn’t it seem—”
“I knew what I was doing,” Marion said proudly. “In every case. I knew it was wrong, and I did it anyway.”
“I’m sorry—what did you do to Russ?”
“I lied to him. And now he’s lying to me. So what?”
“You offered him your life and he took it. Now he’s tired of it and wants something new.”
“I admit I’m not very happy with Russ at the moment. But you’re way out of line if you’re comparing him to that landlord. Russ is like a little boy.”
“I’m not comparing them. That landlord—”
“And you’re even more out of line if you’re comparing Bradley. Bradley was honorable—he wanted the same thing I did. We fell in love, and he never lied to me. It wasn’t his fault I went crazy.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. I hated him when I was falling apart, but as soon as I was sane again I wasn’t angry at him. I was only sorry for what I’d put him through.”
“You felt guilty.”
“Definitely.”
“Why is it that, every time a man injures you, you respond by feeling guilty?”
Marion, flying, was impatient with Sophie’s slowness. “Didn’t I just explain this to you? I’m not a good person. I wanted to kill my baby, and I did it the only way I could. I didn’t even hate that landlord, I was just insanely afraid of him. I mean, yes, he was evil. But I was seeing my own evil nature reflected in him. That’s what made him so frightening.”
Sophie briefly shut her eyes. Evidently the impatience was mutual.
“Try to see what I’m seeing,” she said. “Try to picture a sweet, vulnerable girl not much older than your daughter is now. Think about how frightened and helpless she is. And then imagine a man whose first thought, when he sees a girl like that, is to take out his penis and abuse her. That’s the person you think that girl resembles?”
“Well, I don’t have a penis, so.”
“But your first thought would be to exploit someone vulnerable?”
“You’re forgetting what I did to Bradley’s wife. I went to her house and deliberately hurt her. She was vulnerable, wasn’t she?”
“My understanding is that Bradley was the person you were actually angry with.”
“Only because I was out of my mind.”
“Anger strikes me as quite a reasonable response to how he’d treated you.”
Marion shook her head. No sooner had she refound a treasure than the dumpling was trying to take it away from her.
“You’ve told me a horrific story,” Sophie said. “In your own words, you met Satan himself. I wouldn’t expect a self-described believer to be so forgiving of Satan.”
“That’s because you’re not a believer. I might as well be angry at the rain for falling on me. I knew perfectly well who he was. I let him into me anyway, and I got the punishment I deserved.”
“You blame yourself, not him.”
“What’s wrong with that? There’s a reason why anger is a deadly sin. I was full of anger when I was young—I felt like murdering people. If I hadn’t been so angry, I might have made better decisions. I know you think it’s sick to blame myself, but spiritually I think it’s healthier.”
“Maybe,” Sophie said. “As long as you’re happy with where it’s gotten you.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning anxious and depressed. Unable to sleep. Hating your body. I have a hard time believing that any religion would condemn an emotion as natural as anger. Think about the civil rights movement. Do you think Dr. King wasn’t angry when his people were murdered by Klansmen? He may have preached nonviolence, but sometimes, when a problem is intractable, only anger can change things.”
“I would never compare my situation to a Black person’s in Alabama. That’s really almost offensive.”
Sophie smiled pleasantly. “I didn’t mean to be offensive.”
“I was lucky to find someone to marry me at all, after what I’d been through. And even then I married him under false pretenses. I can hardly go complaining that I’m oppressed by him now. Even the business with his widow friend—I didn’t blame Bradley for losing interest in his wife. Why should I blame Russ for losing interest in me? I’m a lot older and fatter than Bradley’s wife was.”