“No,” she said. “I wanted to tell you in person, but I can’t stay.”
“Frances. You can’t just drop a bomb like that. Did something happen?”
She looked close to tears. He stood up, closed the door, and managed to seat her in his visitor chair. Her hair, too, seemed older—darker, less silky.
“I’m just not a good enough person,” she said.
“That’s ridiculous. You’re a wonderful person.”
“No. My children don’t respect me, and you—I know you like me, but you shouldn’t. I don’t believe in God—I don’t believe in anything.”
He crouched at her feet. “Will you tell me what happened?”
“There’s no point in explaining—you won’t understand.”
“Try me.”
She shut her eyes. “Philip says I can’t go with you anymore. I know that sounds stupid, and if that’s all it was I wouldn’t—I might still go. But with everything else it’s just easier not to.”
The thought that the surgeon might be jealous of him—had reason to be jealous—only deepened Russ’s sense of defeat.
“He knew,” Frances said, “that I did volunteer work in the city. But when he found out where the church is, he said it was too dangerous. I tried to explain that it’s not so bad, but he wouldn’t listen, and—I hate being submissive. It’s not who I want to be, but in this case it’s just easier, because that really is who I am: I’m the person who does whatever’s easiest.”
“That’s not true at all. Have you talked to Kitty about this?”
“I can’t. Kitty won’t respect me, either. I mean—I know, I know, I know. I’m with another jerk—I know. Larry’s already barely speaking to me. I made him go to lunch with Philip, and Larry could see it—everyone can see it. I’m with a jerk again. A worse jerk, actually. Bobby at least wasn’t a racist.”
“No one should be allowed to tell you what you can and can’t do.”
“I know, and, like I said, if it was just Philip I might stand up to him. But the thing is, inside, I’m just like him. I still think I’m going to get raped or murdered every time I go down there.”
“These are deep patterns,” Russ said. “It takes time to develop new patterns.”
“I know, and I’ve been trying. I apologized to Theo, the way you told me to, and you were right—it made a difference. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Ronnie, how to help him, and so I talked to Theo again. According to him, the problem is that Ronnie’s mother is a heroin addict. I asked if he could get her into a treatment program—I offered to pay for it myself and let him say the money came from his congregation.”
“That is not the action of a person who isn’t good.”
“But he basically said it was impossible. He thinks Clarice would start using drugs again as soon as she gets out. I told Theo there has to be some okay foster family that would take a sweet little boy. I offered to talk to a social worker myself and make sure everything checked out. But Theo said, if I did that, the social worker would never let Clarice near Ronnie again. I said I thought that might be for the best. But Theo said Ronnie’s the only thing keeping Clarice alive, and that a social worker wouldn’t see that, because the state only cares about the boy’s welfare, not the mother’s. I tried to remember what you told me and not argue with him, but I pointed out that he’s okay with a situation no social worker would be okay with. I said that sooner or later something terrible is going to happen. And Theo just shrugs. He says, ‘That’s in God’s hands.’ And that shut me up. I didn’t argue with him.”
“None of this,” Russ said, “makes me think less of you. Quite the opposite.”
Frances didn’t seem to hear him. “I’m not like you,” she said. “I can’t accept that God creates a situation so terrible there’s no getting out of it. To me, it’s like there’s a door, and behind the door is the inner city, and everywhere you turn there’s a situation so terrible that no one can fix it, and I’ve reached the point where I just can’t open the door again. I just want to shut it and forget what’s behind it. When Philip said I couldn’t go with you again, I had this horrid sense of relief.”
“I wish you’d told me sooner,” Russ said. “No situation is so hopeless that nothing can be done. Maybe, next time we’re down there, you and Theo and I can do some brainstorming.”