“Honey, stop. I don’t care what you did.”
“I committed adultery.”
“So I gather. Please stop hitting yourself.”
“I was committing adultery while our son tried to kill himself!”
“Oh dear. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? What is wrong with you?”
The ground beneath her was firm. She was secure in God’s punishment.
“I’m just thinking how terrible that must feel. If the two things really did happen at the same time—that’s terrible luck. No one deserves that.”
“Terrible?” He staggered to his feet. “It’s beyond terrible. It’s beyond redemption. There’s no use in praying—I’m a fraud.”
“Russ, Russ. I’m the one who gave you permission. Don’t you remember?”
“Stop looking at me! I can’t stand you looking at me!”
She wasn’t sure, but he seemed to be saying that he still cared what she thought of him, still in some way loved her. To spare him from her gaze, she went outside with her purse.
The sun was low, the distant mountains furrowed with deep shadows. At the edge of the parking lot, in the dry residue of a puddle, a sparrow was giving itself a dust bath. The air smelled like Flagstaff and was cooling off rapidly, as it had in the years when she’d walked home at this hour from the Church of the Nativity, counting her steps. She lit a cigarette and watched the sparrow. It was groveling on its belly, prostrating itself, raising its little face to the sky, flicking up dust with its wings, cleansing itself in dirt. She saw what she had to do.
She put out the cigarette and returned to the room. Russ was slumped on the edge of the bed.
“Are you in love with her? You can tell me the truth—it won’t kill me.”
“The truth,” he said bitterly. “What is the truth? When a person is utterly fraudulent, what does love even mean? How can he judge?”
“I’ll take that as a qualified yes. And what about her? Do you think she loves you?”
“I made a mistake.”
“We all make mistakes. I’m just trying to think practically. If you love her and you think she might love you, I don’t want to stand in your way. You can let Perry be my responsibility.”
“I never want to lay eyes on her again.”
“I’m saying I release you. This is your chance to walk away, and I’m warning you. Right this minute is the time to take it.”
“Even if she loved me, which I doubt, the whole thing is too vile.”
“That’s only because you’re feeling guilty. The minute you see her again, you’ll remember that you love her.”
“No. It’s poisoned. Having to sit in that truck with Ambrose for three hours…”
“What does Rick have to do with it?”
Russ shuddered in his sheepskin coat. She’d bought it for him in Flagstaff.
“Do you know what I did to you?” he said. “Three years ago? Marion, do you know what I did? I told a seventeen-year-old girl that I’d lost interest in you sexually.”
Suddenly cold, she went to her suitcase for a sweater. The summer dress was uppermost. She couldn’t bring herself to handle it.
“And you know what else? I never told you the real reason the group kicked me out. It was because I was drooling all over that girl. I didn’t even know I was doing it, but she could see it. And Rick—Rick was there, too. He knows who I am, and—God, God.”
A low voice spoke, her own. “Did you touch her?”
“Sally? No! Absolutely—no. Never. I was just lost in my vanity.”
She had her own vanity. She no longer felt like reciprocating his confession.
“It wasn’t even true,” he said. “When I saw you coming off the plane—what I said to that girl simply wasn’t true. You are very, very attractive to me.”
“Yeah, wait until I’m fat again.”
“I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I just want you to know—”
“That you’ve humiliated me?”
“That I need you. That I would be completely lost without you.”
“Nice. Maybe you should fuck me while you’re at it. It seems to be your thing.”
This shut him up.
“Better do it while you can. I’ve started eating again.” She moved into his field of vision and ran her hands down her flanks. “These hips aren’t going to last.”
“I know you’re hurt. I know you’re angry.”